Hug request misread, sparking harassment claim
DEAR J.T. & DALE: I just learned of a sexual harassment claim filed against me. I am extremely worried. I am 18 years old and know that this can affect my future. Our workplace is super touchy and over-friendly, and this woman is new. There were a few times when she asked for help and I said, “I will help you in exchange for a hug.” She would say “no,” and I would still help her. I never touched her. I believed we were simply joking around. My mistake. She never once said it made her feel uncomfortable or anything. Was I being sexually abusive without knowing it? — Arnie
Dale:
I’m going to assume that you come from a family or culture where hugging is as commonplace as a handshake, and asking for a hug is, to you, like saying, “Let’s shake on it.” But, as you now know, hugging can be problematic. A minister once confided to me that the ushers at his church decided they’d hug arriving worshippers as part of making them feel welcome. Nope. There were complaints about “overly aggressive” hugs. So they dropped it.
J.T.: The issue here is repeatedly asking for hugs — something that was intended to be friendly, but it’s the sort of thing that can be misinterpreted.
Dale: Agreed. And, depending on the delivery of the request, it could be interpreted as creepy. I get that. However, I’m sure HR hates to be pulled into a situation that could have been solved with a simple: “Hey, Arnie, come on. That’s weirding me out.”
J.T.: Yes, and I think most women would do that. But some women are afraid of the repercussions of being so direct. It’s clear she is one of those individuals.
Dale: So, going forward, the attitude reflected in your question is the perfect one to take to HR. Let them know that you’re horrified at being misinterpreted. Ask the HR person for advice on how to approach your co-worker with an apology. Let him or her know that you want to be part of the solution. Then, let’s hope that everyone moves on and that it won’t be an issue.
Dear J.T. & Dale: I’m going on vacation in three weeks. It’s been planned for months. One girl in the office is supposed to cover for me, but she announced that she is having surgery and will be out the week I’m gone. I found out that it’s elective surgery. No one else can do my job, so I want to go to my manager and ask him to make her change the surgery. Should I? — Heidi
J.T.:
I find it odd that the timing conflict was allowed to happen. Are you sure your boss is even aware of the issue? So, instead of starting with a request of your boss to have your co-worker change the surgery, say: “I just heard ___ is going to be out the same week as my vacation. Can you help me map out a plan of who should cover my work when I’m gone? Here is a list of all the things she was going to cover in my absence.” This will open up the discussion and show your boss what’s going on.
Dale: I like it. You two may come up with a plan to get the work covered. Or, if that’s not possible, you’ve shrewdly involved him. You didn’t just dump a problem on him; no, you asked for help in finding a solution, and you did so without making accusations about who’s to blame for failing to consider you and your plans.
J.T.: I think he might then come to his own conclusion about letting her take the time off. And, if he still lets her take it off, then at least you’ll leave the meeting with an approved game plan of how to have your work covered so you can enjoy your vacation. Visit Jeanine “J.T.” Tanner O’Donnell at jtanddale.com, where you can send questions via email, or write to them in care of King Features Syndicate, 300 W. 57th St., 15th Floor, New York, NY 10019