Family bullies sister into being caretaker
DEAR ABBY: I’m in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, “Judy,” is attending community college. All my memories of her consist of her putting me down. We reconciled just as I was moving out.
Abby, she is extremely dependent on the family. She cannot do for herself. If I refuse to help her, I am told by my family that I’m selfish or a “b----.”
They have a running joke that she’s going to live with me and be dependent on me when our parents die. I have heard that Judy is actually OK with it and looks forward to the day I can support her.
I have tried pointing out that it’s neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren’t my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we’re family and it’s my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job?
OVERWHELMED SISTER
DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it’s not going to happen.
If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become selfsufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven’t already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.
DEAR ABBY: My sister asked if I would attend a women’s conference with her. I hastily agreed, and we kind of dropped it until recently.
The conference is eight months away and I just found out the location and who will be the speakers. After reviewing the information, I realize I’m not all that interested in attending.
When I told my sister, she became furious! I apologized for letting her down, but I don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars to attend a conference I’m not that jazzed about.
She’s still mad at me, and I don’t want to dismiss her feelings, but I feel that canceling eight months in advance is OK. We hadn’t purchased tickets or made hotel reservations yet. Can you give me some advice? DON’T WANT TO GO
DEAR DON’T WANT TO: Your sister may have had more in mind than just the conference when she invited you to go with her. She may have wanted a bonding experience as well, which may be why she has reacted so strongly.
I agree that eight months in advance is sufficient notice that you want to cancel. It may smooth her ruffled feathers if you call your sister and suggest there might be something else you can do together that would be of greater interest to both of you.