Teen’s mom worried about mental illness
DEAR ABBY: I have a 14-year-old daughter I have raised alone. Her father has never been in her life, nor has he been in the lives of his other children with other women. He has a long history of criminal behavior and mental illness. Although he hasn’t been part of her life, I have kept her in touch with her siblings.
I just learned via the news and social media that her brother who is also 14 (and lives nearby with his grandparents), is being charged with two counts of capital murder. He reportedly shot both his grandparents. He had no other previous issues, and there were no warning signs.
I am torn trying to figure out how to break the news to my daughter. She’s going through her own teenage issues, and I’m afraid the news will crush her. I need to figure this out before she hears about it at school or from social media. My other major concern is, could their father have passed along to her his mental illness? — SCARED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SCARED: This kind of awful news travels via television, social media and word of mouth faster than lightning. By the time this letter is published, your daughter will have already learned about this family tragedy.
Rarely, if ever, does this kind of acting out happen in a vacuum. Healthy children and young adults rarely — if ever — “snap” out of nowhere. Because you are concerned about the level of stress your daughter is experiencing, please waste no time in scheduling some sessions for BOTH of you with a licensed mental health professional. If this will create financial hardship, contact the department of mental health in your community because through it you may be able to find a therapist who charges on a sliding financial scale.
DEAR ABBY: My son and daughter-in-law are splitting up. I’m devastated for them and my two young grandchildren, with whom I’m very close.
They live in another state, so I stay with them when I go visit. Although we’ve always had a great relationship, I’m terrified that my daughter-in-law will not want me to visit her after the divorce.
What can I do to maintain a good relationship with her, while staying on good terms with my son? My grandchildren mean the world to me.
— HEARTSICK IN THE WEST
DEAR HEARTSICK: The last thing you want or need is to get caught in the middle of the divorce. Try your level best not to take sides and be sure to give your almost-ex-daughterin-law her space.
Assure her that you care about her and that you deeply regret that the marriage with your son didn’t work out. (It’s true.) Tell her you have grown to love her as a daughter and hope that, in spite of the divorce, you will always be close. Do NOT discuss any intimate details or assign blame, if you can possibly avoid it, and try to keep your visits upbeat while concentrating on your grandchildren. Contact www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.