Threat of divorce is a way to control wife

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years and have two wonderful kids, ages 14 and 12. Ten months ago, my husband said to me, “I told you I would divorce you if you ever got fat.” I was shocked! Yes, I have gained some weight over the years, but at 5 feet 5 inches tall and 150 pounds, I was not exactly obese.

I was frightened by what he said, so I took off 25 pounds. He didn’t appear to notice, so I asked him, “Now what do you think?” He said, “You have no muscle tone”!

Abby, nothing I do is good enough. I work part-time and take care of our kids and the house. I go out of my way to cook and bake interesting things for them. Any appreciation? His praise is, “Not bad.”

Abby, what should I do? — BIGGEST LOSER IN NEW YORK

DEAR “LOSER”: Before I answer your question, I should point out that the way some abusers maintain control is by withholding approval, love, money, etc.

According to the National Institutes of Health, a woman who is 5 feet 5 inches tall should weigh between 114 and 144 pounds to be considered a normal weight. For your husband to threaten you with divorce if you didn’t lose weight was brutal.

Nothing you do is good enough because keeping you insecure and always trying to gain his approval is how he maintains the upper hand in your marriage. Losing weight is not easy. You should have been praised for your success.

Since you asked what to do, I’ll tell you: Take him at his word. Your husband may have said your muscle tone is flabby, but from where I sit, what’s sagging is your selfesteem. Go to the gym. Get into a training program. Improve that muscle tone, and along with it your image of yourself.

Then, once you have achieved your goal and feel better about yourself, decide whether you want to remain married to a man who has such poor “muscle tone” between the ears.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved husband died in 1993 from an AIDSrelated cancer. He contracted the disease from a blood transfusion during surgery.

I elected to tell only close family members about his HIV. I was still quite young when he died.

Now when people ask me why I didn’t remarry, I don’t know how to reply. I didn’t contract the disease from him, but people are still fearful of the word AIDS.

I have never dated or sought a relationship with a man since my husband’s passing. I still love him and have no regrets, but I don’t know what to say. Please help. — LONGTIME WIDOW DEAR LONGTIME WIDOW: You are under no obligation to tell your life story to someone who asks that question casually. To someone like that, all you should say is what you wrote to me, “I still love him, and I have no regrets.” The rest is nobody’s business.