Disappointed dad needs to see nonprofit’s value
DEAR J.T. & DALE: I am a disappointment to my father. He wanted me to be in business. I got a business degree, but I chose to go into nonprofit work. A family event doesn’t go by without him bringing it up. He paid for my college education and therefore feels entitled to tell me that he feels his investment was wasted. How do I make him see that the work I’m doing is meaningful and fulfilling to me? Better still, how do I get him to stop commenting? — Jeremy
J.T.: Being your own person oftentimes means disappointing some of the people in your life. There’s no easy way to get him to stop commenting. If you haven’t already, try having an honest conversation with him, one where you get him to understand how much his words hurt. That said, if he can’t help himself, then you have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. And you may want to think about paying him back for that education — at which point he’d have no more reason to comment.
Dale: I was with you till you got to the part about paying him back. I doubt it would help, and it could make things worse; after all, it sounds as though your father is a materialist, and diverting income to him only will make you less affluent and, thus, more of a disappointment in his eyes. Instead, let’s see if this fits: I’m going to guess that your family is akin to mine, and if we’d had a family motto, it would have been “What will people think?” I’m assuming your father’s materialism is rooted in some such similar insecurity. If so, I want you to recast your work for him in such a way as to give him bragging rights. Instead of him being able to boast about your money or power, he could be bragging about the good you do. You asked how you could get your dad to see the meaning and fulfillment that flows from your work. The key word there is “see.” Well, show him. Arrange for him to meet some of the people your nonprofit helps. Help him rewrite the story of his son. Help him see how you are pursuing wealth, not just money.
Dear J.T. & Dale: The company I am interviewing with gives only one week of vacation per year. They close down between Christmas and New Year’s and pay everyone for it, so they consider that the second week of vacation. I have always taken a twoweek family vacation in the summer. Do you think I can
negotiate an extra week? — Sheena
J.T.: It’s certainly worth a try. However, I would suggest that you wait until you get the job offer before you start negotiating. You want them to want you. That way, you are sitting in the driver’s seat.
Dale: Although if you really want the job, then I’d give that power away. What I’m suggesting is that you start by accepting the job, telling them how delighted you are and how you will make them glad that they hired you; then, in that magic moment of mutual agreement and positivity, you can slip in your request, doing so without any chance of the conversation taking a negative turn that could jeopardize the job offer.
J.T.: Either way, I would simply tell them that your only concern about the job offer is your annual family vacation. See if they’ll give you the extra week. If they say “no,” ask if you can take the second week as unpaid. I’d also inquire if and when you will earn more vacation time. It could be a situation where they wait a year before giving you more. If they don’t, and they say you can’t take the time off, then you may want to reconsider accepting the role.
Dale: Agreed, but also weigh against that summer week the pleasures of having the week at Christmas. The new person is the one most likely to be pushed into working those days, so closing the office will work as a special advantage to you.
Jeanine “J.T.” Tanner O’Donnell is a professional development specialist and the founder of the consulting firm jtodonnell. Dale Dauten resolves employment and other business disputes as a mediator with AgreementHouse.com. Please visit them at jtanddale.com, where you can send questions via email, or write to them in care of King Features Syndicate, 300 W. 57th St., 15th Floor, New York, NY 10019.