Cancer diagnosis could impact others
DEAR ABBY: I’m writing in response to the man who wants to keep his cancer prognosis secret until he nears the end (“Keeping It to Myself,” Jan. 11).
My mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer that had spread to her brain. She didn’t want to tell anyone at first, but she ended up telling. It was the best thing she could have done.
The four of us kids were there with her through her treatments, she became much closer to the sister she had spent decades hating and she found out who her true friends were. Four years later, in 2006, Mom passed. It’s still raw for me. But I’m grateful for the time we had to get closer and share our lives.
I hope “Keeping” takes your advice and tells his friends. If he does, he may find these hard times to be some of the “best” times. That’s what my mom said. — CLAUDIA IN NJ
DEAR CLAUDIA: Thank you for sharing. I opened the question to my readers, and like you, most — but not all — agreed with my answer. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a former cancer patient and licensed therapist, I’d urge “Keeping” not to share that information if he doesn’t want to. Truth is, not all people who hear the news will be supportive. Some will avoid him, some will pity him, and others will say amazingly inappropriate and unhelpful things. A prognosis of two years is a long time for people to react to him — and for him to handle their reactions. Until “Keeping” is ready, he should be cautious about with whom he shares his diagnosis. — LYN IN NEW YORK
DEAR ABBY: After chemo and clinical trials failed to contain my husband’s cancer, he was told he had less than a year to live. We had already shared the initial prognosis with family and friends. Loved ones from near and far have visited him, called and emailed. Their visits have done more for his quality of life than any drug, and have probably extended it.
He has also made oncein-a-lifetime trips this past year with siblings. Our adult children and grandchildren have spent more time with us and have become more loving and tolerant of each other. “Keeping’s” next two years are a blessing and a gift. I hope he uses every moment wisely. — DEBRA IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation and, for me, it was not even a choice. I felt I had to tell everyone in our circle. The result was a warm outpouring of support and concern, even from neighbors we barely knew.
I have been very fortunate. My new treatment worked, I am now in remission, and we no longer need day-today support. But we have wonderful memories of people who were eager to help. We have established deeper friendships and the experience has made US more generous, too. — MIKE IN OREGON
DEAR ABBY: Your advice was spot-on. My mother was in stage 4 pancreatic cancer and refused to let me tell anyone, even her siblings. When she died, it was my responsibility to spread the news. Relatives and close neighbors were devastated that they hadn’t been able to have a final visit or the chance to prepare themselves for the loss. — LISA IN CALIFORNIA