Confiding in boss has detrimental consequences

DEAR J.T. & DALE: About a year ago, I discovered that my husband was cheating, and I moved out. I was devastated and went through a nasty and painful divorce. I was unable to prevent this from affecting my behavior and, to some degree, my performance at work. I had been a solid performer for the 11 years I had been with my employer. In this situation, I felt that I should tell my manager what was going on. Her emailed response was obviously scripted by someone in HR, and could be summed up as, “Too bad, go to our Employee Assistance Program for counseling.” After that, our previously good relationship changed to ice-cold. My assignments were reduced, and I was assigned to another manager. After a few more months, my employer found a reason to lay me off. Should I have shared my situation with my manager? — Lisa

J.T.: There really isn’t a clear-cut answer to this. It always depends on the culture of the company and the relationship with the manager. Some companies want to know what’s going on in your personal life and will try to help; others do not.

Dale: Well, while there may not be a clear-cut answer, there was a clearcut, unhappy outcome. And if you had it to do over, you would not, of course, confide in your boss. The shame of it is that you were not able to foresee the outcome. Plenty of managers love taking on the role of friend or parent, and eagerly dive into the telenovela of your personal life. Others want just the opposite, and draw clear lines. Here’s the point: A good manager lets you know where the lines are. Without that knowledge, you’re like the dove that flies into the glass window — bang, you’re on the ground and you don’t know what happened.

J.T.: I think you were well-intended in your outreach to your boss. Perhaps she was worried that in responding to you, it would make it difficult for her to manage you. Also, who knows what private pain she’s been dealing with? Her response may have been a reflection of her own inner thoughts, like “I’ve suffered in silence through bad times; so should you.” You can’t go back in time, so I wouldn’t beat yourself up. You made a choice, and it didn’t work out. The good news is that it’s behind you now, and you can move forward with a new employer and a fresh start!

Dear J.T. & Dale: We just landed a huge new client at our company.

The problem is that I applied for a job there and got called for an interview prior to my learning they are a new client. I expect they’ll be making me a job offer, and I want to take it, but I’m worried that my employer may get angry and tell the client they can’t have me. What should I do? — Jordan

J.T.: Unless you signed some noncompete agreement that would put you in violation, then the employer can’t hold you back from taking the job. When you get the offer and accept, sit your boss down and explain how you’ll be able to use this to help the company build the best relationship possible with the client. If he or she realizes that having you there can help, he or she won’t be upset.

Dale: Agreed. The “huge new client” will get what it wants, and if it wants you, it’ll have you. So I’d suggest directing your first concerns to your new employer. Assuming you get the offer, use the “questions are the answer” approach, and ask if they foresee any problems. I doubt they will. Indeed, they are likely to say something like, “It will be an advantage to us that you know all the inner workings at your old company.” With that in your rhetorical pocket, take J.T.’s suggestion and approach your current management; then you’ll spice up your argument that your new position will be good for the current employer by quoting the client. Done well, this will be a win-win-win, and everyone will be smiling at every mention of your name.