Family divided by presence of predator
DEAR ABBY: A number of years ago, it came out that my brother-in-law had raped and molested his two daughters and two granddaughters. It tore our family apart.
Although my sister said she intended to divorce him, she never did. She also didn’t report it — so he was never convicted of the crime. Since then, my sister has disowned her daughters, my mother and me. She still interacts with her son and his family.
I know I shouldn’t miss my sister, but I do. I know my mom misses her, too. Abby, how can we get past this? Our family was always close. The grief is killing me. — ANGUISHED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR ANGUISHED: It seems there was a conspiracy of silence in the family. Your sister dealt with her husband’s crime by choosing to ignore that he is a sexual predator. That your sister has blamed his victims is beyond the pale. Your nieces and grand-nieces should talk with a licensed mental health professional about this, and so should you and your mother.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 50s. We have lived together for two years. He’s retired. I work full time.
We have a friend (married with kids) he sees almost daily during the summer at the pool. Every day he says to her, “What time will you be here? I’ll be here around 10. See ya then.” She brings him food occasionally while they’re there. (He hasn’t told me, but I know she has.)
Sometimes he can be in a foul mood, and all he wants is to go to the pool to relax. When we go, his eyes search for her and if/when he sees her, they light up and he gets a big smile on his face. When I pointed it out to him, he gave me the silent treatment for a couple of hours. Then he accused me of being jealous.
We are in a committed relationship, but I find this threatening. Was I wrong to say what I did? — GEORGIA GIRL DEAR GEORGIA GIRL: No, but after he accused you of being jealous, what you should have told him was he was right, and that you wish his eyes would light up that way when he sees you. It appears your guy has developed a crush. If you handle it with humor, it will pass. However, if you don’t, you will continue to make him feel defensive — which is counterproductive — so use a light touch.
DEAR ABBY: Would it be rude to announce my wife’s pregnancy before her sister’s wedding next week? Do I need to wait until afterward, or is good news always welcome?
— GOOD NEWS IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR GOOD NEWS: In the interest of family harmony, I urge you to refrain from doing it. While good news is always welcome, this news should wait until after the wedding. If you make the announcement now, your sister-in-law might regard it as stealing the limelight from the bride.