Overly familiar in-laws are overwhelming season

Dear Annie: As the holidays near in this unusual year, I’m seeking advice on how to handle a situation we’ve been dealing with — poorly — the past few years.

We’re a long-time married couple with grown children. Because of job transfers, we have lived away from our hometown and my large extended family for more than 25 years, so holidays have always just been our “core” family. We see other relatives on an annual trip back home in the summer.

My husband has only one sibling, a brother, to whom he is not particularly close. The brother and his wife are childless by choice and were never at ease visiting us and our children, claiming kids made them uncomfortable.

Well, as my “kids” became young adults, the childless couple started expressing more interest in visiting us, and we have been happy to include them. However, it has become assumed on their part that they are invited for every Thanksgiving and Christmas. Our children have started lives and careers in different cities, and so now these major holidays are the only time we all see each other together, at our family home.

The uncle and aunt are not pleasant guests. They are very self-centered and politically opinionated to the point of being rude. My kids are very respectful and engage pleasantly, letting the couple hold forth with their chatter. This is awkward enough, but they have also begun questioning the young people on things like their love lives, their plans for starting families and even how much money they earn. They assume a closeness that they have not earned, simply because they are related.

My husband does all the planning and interacting with his brother. I have asked

him to make it clear that they are invited for one holiday or the other but not both. I have also said that we can get together with them outside of the holidays when our time with our children (and now spouses/grandkids) is not as precious. He hesitates to cause any hurt feelings and just lets them dictate the plan.

I struggle with being “selfish” and wanting to savor our rare family time to ourselves. Or should I be more “charitable” and include these relatives who have no other family to visit on holidays? Any advice is extremely appreciated. — Simmering in the South

Dear Simmering in the South: Your idea of limiting your in-laws to one holiday is a great one. And encouraging them to get together at times that are not as precious to you is also a wonderful solution. You deserve to be with your children, spouses and grandchildren in your own home without feeling like this couple is ruining your holidays.

While your husband hesitates to hurt his brother’s feelings, he is clearly hurting yours and your children’s feelings by not setting boundaries with his brother. Have another talk with him and ask him to ask his brother to not dominate the conversation or act rude. It is not fair to your children. If they can’t behave, then they can’t be invited to either holiday. You are not being selfish; you are being a good mother and wanting to relish and enjoy the time you have with your children.