Aging mother causing strife

Editor’s note: Annie Lane is on vacation. This column originally appeared in 2019.

Dear Annie: My family is dealing with an aging mother. Since my father died, she has moved often. Every place she moves to eventually has some issue, and she starts complaining. Soon she is driving me crazy about whatever it is. Even after the problem is solved, she’ll find something else to focus on.

I have tried to get her interested in senior activities or exercise programs, with no luck. I have refused to participate in the past two moves, as it is difficult at my age and doesn’t resolve her issue.

But my siblings keep moving her. They get angry with me and say mean things, and the family gets very divided. I’m looked at as the troublemaker because I won’t participate. They don’t see this as a chronic problem.

How can I be part of this family, or at least be close with my mother, and still deal with this chaos?

— Unmoved by Moving

Dear Unmoved by Moving: When a family unit has become dysfunctional, doing the right thing means bucking the system.

Setting boundaries as you have — making clear that you’re there to offer support to your mom but not to enable her compulsive relocation — is exactly what you should be doing.

But it’s only natural that you’d face resistance from your siblings. As much of a hassle it is to repeatedly help move your mom into new places, it’s in some ways easier than confronting the real issue.

Just keep reiterating this to your siblings and hope that they’ll come around eventually.

And in the meantime, continue to be there for your mom and encourage her to try new activities, even going with her to them the first few times.

Dear Annie: You have dealt with thank-you notes before, but not when it involves a charity.

This past Christmas, I made all of the charitable donations to local organizations. The checks ranged from $100 to $300. I was surprised when I received only one thank-you note from an organization.

I think these are all good organizations, and I will still give to them. However, next year, I will recognize the organization that took the time to send the thankyou with a larger donation.

— S.G.

Dear S.G.: Try to look at it this way: The money they don’t spend on postage for thank-you notes is money for working toward their goals, goals you believe in and set out to support in the first place.

Try to let the knowledge that you’ve done a good thing be gratification enough.