A cautious word to the wise on online romances
Dear Annie: I’ve been in a long-distance, exclusive, monogamous relationship for over a year now. I met him at work (we both work remotely), and he reached out and made his feelings clear. We had a work relationship to begin with, so we were always in touch, and feelings just grew.
We have never met in person but video chat and talk multiple times a day. He seems to show he loves me a great deal; he stays in touch consistently, which to me shows he’s serious and devoted.
Now to the problem: He’s still waiting to settle his separation from a long-time partner, and things have been dragging for a long time. (They had already separated when we met.) He says he plans to see me in person when things settle with the separation, which looks like it might be a long time or at least an unknown amount of time. We live in different countries. I can’t travel to see him for financial, work and other responsibilities, while he doesn’t have any such constraints. I worry about his lack of initiative and his resistance. It makes me think he’s not serious or is taking for granted the fact that I’ll just wait around for him. I’m relatively young, but I feel truly attached to this person. On the surface, we seem very compatible and truly enjoy each other’s company. I’ve questioned him so many times I feel I shouldn’t have to beg for someone to put in the effort. Am I being unreasonable? Can his reasoning for not coming to see me (waiting till his separation settles) be valid? Am I being unfair and selfish?
— In Love and Confused Dear In Love and Confused: Meeting a romantic partner online is quickly becoming the norm, but virtual romances are notoriously unpredictable. It’s all too easy for this guy to cover up parts of his identity and/or lifestyle if he’s hiding behind a screen.
The separation story is plausible, but you’re right to be skeptical. Does he really expect you to be in an “exclusive, monogamous” relationship with him when he’s still technically married? Plus, he can’t just assume that you’ll wait around indefinitely. Tell him you can’t continue a relationship with him unless you make concrete plans to meet in person. Come up with a deadline, and then stick to it.
Dear Annie: I connected with a man on Match. com, and we’ve been dating for four months now. Though we have things in common and enjoy each other’s company, he is a workaholic and gives more attention to his business than to me. I’m not sure if he considers us a couple because he told me I could date other people as he feels bad about not having a lot of time for us. He treats me very well when we do get together, though, and is a real gentleman. What are your thoughts on this?
— Lukewarm Love Dear Lukewarm: It sounds like this guy has his priorities figured out; unfortunately, you’re not at the top of that list, and for him to encourage you to see other men implies you won’t be anytime soon. If you’re OK with seeing him very casually, then keep on keeping on. If you’re looking for something more serious, be prepared to be disappointed. If he wanted to make time for you in his life, he would, no matter what’s going on in the office or the boardroom.