Dad encourages son’s sore-winner behavior
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I fully acknowledge this is a stupid problem, but here goes.
My husband and son, 7, LOVE any kind of game. At first, so did I, but not now. What usually happens is those two collude against me, and I lose almost every time. There’s a particular card game where if those two individually take certain actions, I’m guaranteed to lose. Both of these actions occur at the beginning of the game, so I don’t have a chance before I’ve taken my first turn. The whole experience is ruined if I know I’m going to lose.
When my son and I play alone, he turns into a massive jerk. He constantly accuses me of cheating. He lies about when it’s his turn. He prevents me from doing things in my favor like physically throwing away a card I played. But when I put my foot down about not wanting to play with him, he runs to my husband, who thinks I need to grow up. “It’s just a game with a child! Why do you care so much about the rules?”
I’ve explained to my husband MANY times that playing a game I know I’m going to lose isn’t fun. I’ve also stated that, according to his teacher, we need to teach our son how to lose appropriately, which means not letting him win. While my husband agrees in theory, it doesn’t work out in practice. Because one of them is guaranteed to win a majority of the time, my husband thinks that’s what the teacher meant.
Should I give up at this point?
Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes
Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes: No, please, don’t give up. New script: “I don’t care At. All. whether I win a game, with a child or anyone else. By describing it as ‘no fun’ to play these no-win games with you two, I see I gave the wrong impression that it was just about the winning itself.
“Here’s what I do care about – very, very much: that I don’t raise a child who is a bad sport, a cheater, a liar, a sore loser or otherwise an unpleasant person to play games with. Who gets consumed by winning. Who doesn’t care about fairness or other people.
“You don’t have to take my word for it that we have taught him some bad lessons and habits – we’re hearing it from his teacher now. So are you going to help me with this?”
If he declines to, and instead opts for that disingenuous innocence, “It’s just a game with a child!!!,” then you have a bigger problem to prioritize and address, roughly spouse-shaped but dangerously childish. So it’s not a stupid problem At. All.
Readers’ thought:
● I was taught to play games the way your son is being taught. I could not play board games INTO ADULTHOOD without being a jerk. I could see it happening and couldn’t stop myself. I stopped playing all board games because I didn’t like the person I was when playing them. And only as a parent have I been able to start rediscovering the joy in PLAYING rather than winning. You are right to stop the pattern now. And it’s possible your husband was taught to play like I was.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.