ASK CAROLYN Single parent wants to reconnect with ex who didn’t want kids

Dear Carolyn: My partner and I split after 12 years because he decidedly did not want children and I did. It was a terribly painful split, perhaps more so because it was completely loving and amicable. That was seven years ago. Since then, I had a baby on my own; my ex met someone else, but they have also since split and she has moved away. We have had zero direct contact but have so many mutual friends that we get updates about each other, so I know he is single now.

The first years were difficult, but my amazing daughter is now doing great in kindergarten. My sister’s family also moved nearby, and the cousin sleepovers have given me the option of a night away. I can’t stop thinking about calling the ex.

The option of co-parenting is out, so we couldn’t ever have more than a casual relationship. But I’ve met so few men I would want to date, even casually, and as a single parent, I have little time to go on lots of first dates.

My former partner was so difficult to get over. But he was also my best friend for a long time. What should I do?

The Ex Files

The Ex Files: I’ll say carpe diem, get in touch, but only with a CVS receipt’s worth of disclaimers, concerns and caveats.

● Kid comes first. Let’s say you settle all the other rekindling-related issues to your satisfaction: Will your amazing daughter be stuck with someone in your life who wants nothing to do with her? Weigh this carefully and long-range. Kindergarten is a bit early to be fed that existential nugget.

● Other extreme: What if he teems with opinions on child rearing?

● Those rekindling-related issues include whether you still like him, he still likes you, you still want him, he still wants you, and there’s any form of being together that includes living separately. One that makes you both feel so lucky things worked out this way, too, vs. so tormented by what you still can’t have.

● Not included: any form of the word “casual.” You may never marry, cohabit or even see each other often (for the next 15 to 20 years), but the feelings you do have while you don’t have all the other stuff will probably be strong – which is why you’re even thinking about him in the first place, remember. So don’t kid yourself that the arm’s-length living/dating arrangements will come with arm’s-length feelings.

● What-ifs are painful, which is why I almost can’t help advising that you satisfy your curiosity. (That and being a sucker for highly resilient, best-friend love.) But most of the possible outcomes here involve trading pain for pain. I’m not saying you should kill the whole idea just because it might be painful; love and personal growth tend to invite discomfort. I’m just saying to make sure you know what kind of discomfort you’re inviting, and be 100 percent ready for it. Plus 10 percent.

● Did he suffer as you did from the breakup? If you even suspect he did, then be mindful of disrupting his peace of mind, too.

● You’ve initiated “zero direct contact” for seven years. He hasn’t called you, either. Just putting that out there.

If – and only if – it all passes the look test, then leap.