Second career as author nets 3 books and zero spousal support

Dear Carolyn: Is it unreasonable of me to want my spouse to congratulate me?

When I retired, I started writing and have now published three books and several magazine articles.

While I’m far from a bestseller, my spouse has never said anything positive – or anything at all – when they were published.

I don’t expect flowers or a special dinner, but some kind of recognition would be nice.

Am I being unreasonable?

Author

Author: I use this answer sparingly, for obvious reasons, but here I think it’s apt: The problem lies almost as much in your asking me as it does in your spouse’s silence.

Let’s back all the way up for a sec, to the beginning: What did you say to your spouse about the nonresponse when you published your first book?

First! Book! I mean, newspaper writers write a lot of books – so I know writers of big, little, multiple and best-selling books.

And every time it’s a Big Deal. So much work.

Therefore, a notable thing happened to launch your writing career – and a notable thing did not happen in your marriage in response.

Yet we are talking about it now as if you haven’t broached the subject with your spouse, ever.

So I am wondering what you said or did when you first witnessed the yawning void where a loved one’s normal supportive gestures would have been. Even superficial performative ones (in the event of differing tastes).

The response I’d expect is along these lines: “I just did something big; at least, it was big for me – and when you let a milestone like that go by without saying anything to me at all, I was stunned, and I still feel hurt.”

If you haven’t been that direct – if instead you’ve poked and nudged around the subject hoping your spouse would volunteer ... something – then we’re long past treating this as a narrowly defined spousal failure to take you out to a celebratory dinner.

Because what you’re telling me here is the time between now and your last real conversation with your spouse can be measured in book publications. It has been at least three book publications since you and your spouse last told each other the truth.

Please give that idea careful thought.

Weigh for how long and to what extent your marriage has calcified, then use those two data points to get at the why.

Then invite your spouse to talk. Really talk.

And listen.

Congratulations on your new career, by the way, and good luck.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.