Secret correspondence
Letter from another, better, world
Editor’s note: Please do not ask how we came into the possession of the letter below. We are sworn to secrecy. As is often the case, it’s better to be lucky than good. Gentle Reader will see that the news is splendid, and most likely will understand that we couldn’t resist the urge to print the letter in its entirety. — eds
FROM: Pixy, executive assistant third-class happiness advocate, Operations Department, Northern Command, NORTH POLE.
TO: Dixy, regional chief manager and head elf of Southern Division, Arkansas Region RE: Good news. Dixy, thank you for your most recent letter. And tell your Promotions Department that they’re being talked about even up here. Imagine getting Christmas decorations in local stores the first week of October. I’m telling ya, when Flexy came to marketing with his plan back in ’76 to start selling the holly-and-tinsel package before Halloween, we all thought he was loopy!
At the time, the CW3 at HQ had it that Thanksgiving was early enough— maybe too early. But every year Christmas seems to get a little more calendar time. And you folks down South seem to be the best at it! (I can’t wait to visit Arkansas. Imagine 80-degree weather in October. And me having to walk over ice to get the mail every morning.)
The Big Guy gave me two winks when I told him the latest news from the Southern Division. What I wouldn’t give to come up with an idea that gets two winks! Then he handed out candy canes to the whole office. Expect something chocolaty in your care package next month!
Now then, on to business, as much as I’d like to talk winks and chocolate.
A group of our buddies in the Real World—they call themselves Redman & Associates—is planning to open a plant in a town you folks call Rogers, Arkansas. At said plant, they’ll make what the Big Guy calls a “hot item,” although I don’t think he’s talking about temperature. The toys in question are those battery-operated mini-cars that our little customers like to ride around in after they get bored with the corn poppers. I know, I know, how little humans can get bored with corn poppers is beyond our kind. I could go around in circles all day pushing that thing around! Pop! Pop! Pop! Ahem. The little cars will feature characters from Disney! And Marvel comics! Snow White or Cinderella? Iron Man or Spider-Man? Oh, my cup runneth over. But some of the humans I’ve talked to are all hung up on something known as “money.” It seems 74 of them will have to be hired for what they call money, good money, and supposedly those jobs are going to pump millions of dollars into something the Human Affairs elves keep calling the Local Economy.
It all sounds like corporate gibberish to me. No accounting for taste. As all of us in this business and joy well know. But don’t forget Disney and Marvel lines of mini-cars! The best of all worlds! Especially for 4-year-olds.
YOU KNOW that place the Big Guy likes to shop when we’re running behind in the busy season? I think it’s called Wal-Mart. All the mini-cars made at the Rogers, Arkansas, plant will go there to help us with demand when the yearly crush pushes us into double shifts.
As you are well aware, nobody up here minds help from Wal-Mart. Imagine if we had to make all the toys ourselves, and not just the ones the Big Guy delivers. Oh, our work load would double, triple, four-dipple. I need an ice cream, straight, just thinking about it.
Word has it that the human factory will start making the mini-cars in January. But don’t worry. I’ve been assured by Quality Control that we have enough in stock to handle the holidays this year.
It’s always good news when elves and humans work hand-in-hand. So spread the good cheer. A new toy factory in Rogers, Arkansas, is coming to town! You better not pout. And with all that good news comes something the tall ones call “jobs” and “Local Economy.” After all this time, I still don’t understand humans.
If I were you, Dixy, I’d use this news as an excuse to have a party at the office. The candy canes are on HQ. Love you to pieces,
Pixy cc: The Big Guy