EX- ETIQUETTE
QMy ex and I have a 5-year- old child. I have custody. Ex has visitation every other weekend. Ex is very uncooperative and antagonistic and has forbidden me to be around on his time, so that means I can’t attend any of child’s games when he is with his dad. With this in mind, if our child goes to a game or birthday party on ex’s weekend, is it my responsibility to buy snacks for the team or buy the gift? My child was been invited to a Halloween- themed birthday party on the ex’s weekend, and his dad didn’t know anything about it. What’s good ex- etiquette?
AMy first question is, “Why didn’t Dad know anything about it?” That’s breaking every ex- etiquette rule in the book. Good co- parenting depends on good communication. It doesn’t matter how angry either parent is, it’s still both parents’ responsibility to do their best to coordinate efforts in the best interest of the children.
Let me guess what might have created this crazy dynamic between you and Dad. Many parents who have primary custody secretly feel they’re “the parent” and the other parent is merely baby- sitting on his or her visitation weekend. The noncustodial parent, Dad in this case, resentful and bitter, becomes uncooperative. The custodial parent, you, in this case, feeling misjudged, gets angry and bitter and becomes uncooperative. From your letter, it sounds as if you’ve been covering for gifts or snacks on his weekends, but because he’s giving you a hard time about any involvement, you’re not feeling inclined to share information about activities or obligations on his weekends.
The overall result is two uncooperative parents fighting over who is responsible for what on the weekends. Your child will soon tell you he/ she does not want to play anymore if you don’t stop.
So, what do you do? Take this game, for example. You said that Dad forbids you to participate, implying that Dad doesn’t want anyone imposing on “his time” with “his child.” Even though Dad seems to be the offender here, you may also be subscribing to the “Your time/ my time” mentality without knowing it. Whose games are they? Not Mom’s, not Dad’s. It’s not “Mom’s time” or “Dad’s time.” You have one child trying to split his time between two parents. Shouldn’t you both be supporting your child as best you can all the time and at every game?
To answer your initial question, clear boundaries are an important component to practicing good ex- etiquette and being a supportive co- parent. That means it’s time to have a conversation that establishes rules for how you will handle all this. Since dad wants to be included, my suggestion would be to assign the responsibility of buying snacks and presents to the parent the child is with when attending the game and party. Your responsibility as a good co- parent and the primary custodian is to make sure Dad has all the pertinent information so he can follow up. (“Here’s the team’s website.”) Not informing Dad of basic information is just setting him up for failure, and that’s on you. If he doesn’t follow up, that’s on him.
The biggest concern is that both of you not working together sets your child up to be embarrassed in front of his teammates and his friends. Can’t talk to your ex? Try asking for his suggestions ( good ex- etiquette rule No. 2). A simple, “Have any suggestions for how we should handle this?” may be all that’s needed. The act of asking often starts both parties on the road to better communication and compromise. That’s good ex- etiquette.