Santa’s list of holiday songs, bad and good

Rich Cromwell, an Arkansan and senior contributor to TheFederalist.com, recently compiled a list: “10 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time.”

“Of all the cultural battles we fight during the Christmas season, one stands above all,” he writes (tinyurl.com/worstchristmassongs ). “It’s not whether we relent and say, ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas’ because, let’s be real, only a handful of people actually care. What people do care about, though, is of much more importance. It’s a bloody, knockdown, drag-out fight about what actually matters. Of course, we’re talking Christmas songs.”

Cromwell, production manager for the Walmart Museum in Bentonville, has credentials. According to his bio: “Rich earned a degree in music business from Belmont in 2002.”

But I must declare that I— a mere journalism grad and piano lessons dropout — have a bit more expertise in this area. That’s because I’m a morning show personality on KURB-FM, B98.5, a radio station that has played Christmas music 24 hours a day since Thanksgiving.

If anyone is qualified to critique Christmas songs, it’s me and co-hosts Lisa Fischer and Chris Cannon. Hark, the herald angels have been singing each weekday from about 5 to 9 a.m. for more than three weeks. I heard about 60 hours of Christmas tunes. (I’m taking off this week — and no — not to cure a case of Holly Jolly-itis.)

But there are no complaints from this corner.

That’s because all Christmas songs are wonderful! Even ones that grate on our nerves are great — they are the unappetizing tradition that brings us together, kind of like fruitcake. It wouldn’t be Christmas without them.

It’s for that reason much of Cromwell’s “Worst” list (10. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”; 9. “All I Want for Christmas Is You”; 8. “Santa Baby”; 7. “Wonderful Christmas Time”; 6. “Dominick the Donkey”; 5. “The Christmas Shoes”; 4. Tie: “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” and “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”; 3. “Last Christmas”; 2. “Feliz Navidad”; 1. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”) resembles my “Best” list.

Christman’s “10 Best Christmas Songs of All Time”

10. “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk on Christmas),” John Denver. Because there’s nothing better than a strangely sing-songy tune and lyrics like “Please, Daddy,

don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mama cry” to make folks feel better about our own flawed kin.

9. “Drummer Boy,” Justin Bieber. What begins with the traditional “pa rum pa pum pum” is hardly ho-hum when guest Busta Rhymes raps: “At the table with the family, havin’ dinner/Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker/Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer/Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter/Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger.” I Busta into joyful laughter every time.

8. “Christmas Don’t Be Late,” Alvin and The Chipmunks. Ah, the good old days, back when rodents sang soprano and dreamed of toy planes and hula hoops. Now they’re left to slum in subways for food like #pizzarat.

7. “Mary’s Boy Child/Oh My Lord,” Boney M. What

makes the German disco group’s 1978 steel-drummy version is the ABBA-esque video. Worth YouTubing? Oh, boy! Oh, child! Oh, Lord! Yes!

6. “Hey Santa,” Wilson Phillips. Chyna, Wendy and Carnie might as well be Balthazar, Gaspar, and Melchior bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to soothe harried holiday spirits and reassure us to hold on for one more sleigh!

5. “These Blinking Lights,” Brian and Terri Kinder. This giddy gem about Christmas lights on the fritz that substitutes “blinking” for a curse word (“These blinking Christmas lights don’t work!”) is by the Arkansas duo known as Kindersongs. “What are Christmas lights?” the children might ask. You remember, kids, those stringy things we used to use before we just had to buy the as-seen-on-TV Star Shower Lights!

4. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” It’s contagiously catchy, and it offers a crash course in zoology: “Mom says a hippo would eat me up but then/Teacher says

a hippo is a vegetarian.”

3. “Dominick the Donkey,” Lou Monte. You hear, “You never see him kick/ When Santa visits his paisans/With Dominick he’ll be/ Because the reindeer cannot/ Climb the hills of Italy.” But I hear an international anthem for peace! Therefore I like my “ho ho ho” with a little “hee haw.”

2. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” Elmo & Patsy. Goofy, grim lyrics like “It’s not Christmas without Grandma/All the family’s dressed in black/And we just can’t help but wonder/ Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back!)” still “sleigh” me.

1. “Christmas Shoes,” New Song. Depressing? Yes. Sad? Yes. Manipulative? Maybe. But it wins. Because shoes.

Wishing you a merry Christmas. Email:

blinking What’s in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman ’hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock’s KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.