Shelter helps domestic-abuse victims in White County
If we could hear their thoughts, this is what they might be thinking: “It’s not his fault. I did something to make him mad.” “I want to leave, but he says he will kill himself if I do leave.” “If I leave, he will kill me.” “I have friends, but he does not let me talk to them.” “He said no one will believe me because he is a preacher.” “I have family, but he rarely lets me see them and only when he is with me.”
These are just a few of the rationalizations women who are abused by their partners maintain in order to stay with the abusers.
Men who abuse their wives or partners want control and to hold on to their “property” — the wife and children, said Kaye Candlish, director of Hope Cottage, a White County shelter for battered women and their children who are fleeing from abusive relationships.
When the hotline is called — (501) 278-HOPE (4673) — help is available 24 hours a day, whether one is seeking counseling or shelter.
“Call if all you want to do is talk,” Candlish said. Callers will not be told what to do or pushed into doing something they are not ready for, she said. But callers will be advised on a protection plan, how to keep themselves and their children safe, and options to make their lives better.
Seventy- f ive to 125 women a year opt to stay at Hope Cottage, bringing with them 50 to 100 children, Candlish said during an interview at the Hope Restored Thrift Store, 1211 E. Race Ave. in Searcy. Proceeds from the thrift store help fund Hope Cottage, which is a part of White County Domestic Violence Prevention Inc., a nonprofit agency serving the victims of domestic violence in White County. There are 31 separate shelters of this type in the state, Candlish said.
Volunteers are always needed for the thrift store and the cottage, Candlish said. Harding University social work and psychology majors volunteer at
the cottage, which not only provides help to those at the cottage but also to the students, who gain valuable experience.
Contributions of clothing , hous ehold items, books, shoes, purses, knickknacks, just about anything, are appreciated and may be brought to the thrift store Mondays through Saturdays during store hours, which are 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. weekdays, and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturdays.
Merchandise at the store varies greatly and is sold at prices that are hard to believe — barely worn adult coats range from $4 to $9, with the latter price garnering a leather jacket. Items needing minor repair are left for Big Brothers Big Sisters.
Also on display at the thrift store is information on domestic abuse and how to determine if someone might be a victim and what to do about the situation.
“It is a sad and scary thing” to learn of women who are the victim of abuse. “But, also, they are very strong women, they have survived a lot, they are role models,” Candlish said of the women.
The notion that “a woman must like it” to stay with an abusive partner is untrue. “It infuriates me!” Candlish said, when she hears this, expressing her passion about her job and the mission of Hope Cottage.
“It’s growing,” she said of domestic abuse. “The FBI says violent crime overall is going down but that domestic violence is not.”
Teenage vic t ims are growing in number, as well, she said.
Some men who are abusers call the hotline, she said, looking for their wives or because the men have been court-ordered to undergo batterer instruction, which is not offered at the Searcy facility.
“We give them Litt le Rock telephone numbers as referral,” Candlish said. “The men may say, ‘ We do not want to end up like my dad,’” she said.
Ever y year in White County, there is a death attributed to domestic violence, Candlish said, adding that in 2014, there were
four deaths in White County as a result of domestic violence.
And when a woman does decide she has had enough and decides to leave her abuser, that is the most dangerous time for her. “He does not want to give her up,” and he’d rather kill her
than do so, Candlish said.
“My job is to lay out options. She is confused, her brain is popping and cannot slow down,” Candlish said. “We try to help by telling of protection plans, divorce options and whatever she chooses. We support the women and do not tell them what to do.”
But when a woman does leave an abusive relationship, most of the time it is after an abusive episode, and she abruptly departs with children in tow, having no time to take anything but maybe a handbag, Candlish said.
“She’s in a hurry to get out, been the victim of an assault and does not have time to get anything [ to bring with her]. We take care of their meals, bring them here [ to the thrift shop] to get clothes at no charge. We help them get birth certificates, driver’s licenses, medications they left behind that maybe he had been selling or not giving her access to. … We’ve seen someone with diabetes whose blood sugar is very, very high [due to her not getting her medications]. The women have no insurance, no medications and no money to pay for stitches and X-rays [that are often needed].”
But Hope Cottage provides for these women.
“We get them to a doctor,” Candlish said. “The No. 1 cause of emergency-room visits is abuse of women.”
The women and children stay at Hope Cottage, which is in a confidential, undisclosed location. They are counseled on getting a job, as most do not hold jobs, she said. They are economically dependent on their husbands or partners. The women are taught safety plans if they do decide to return to their home and are educated on relationship violence, plus given referrals for assistance. They are instructed on budgeting. And “empowerment advocacy” is stressed, Candlish said.
“She has been told she is incompetent, stupid and that she has to have him. We try to put her back in charge of her life,” Candlish said.
The victims generally stay at the shelter about 30 days if they show that they have a plan to change the i r lives, Candlish said.
Because of those stays, the cottage is always in need of basic household items, she said, such as paper towels and toilet paper, and anything and everything is appreciated and needed. The total annual budget for the mission — the prevention
of domestic violence — is $250,000, with an allotment for groceries of $2,500 a year.
“Bare bones,” she said, although, “It sounds like a lot.”
The United Way and federal grants support the shelter, Candlish said. ARCare helps out with medical care.
“We get a lot of community help. We are so lucky to be in White County,” she said, commenting that law enforcement officers here are someone she cannot say enough good about. “They come within seconds” if ever needed, when she might call and say she fears someone has discovered the shelter’s “secret” location.
“Everyone knows somebody” who is a victim of abuse, Candlish said. “One in three are victims.” While someone may say, “I have never known anybody,’” Candlish said, she replies, “Yes, you have.”
While there are some men who are the victims of abuse, it is not the norm; 95 percent of abusers are male, Candlish said. People in same-sex relationships experience abusive incidents, too, she said.
The children of abuse victims are counseled along with the victims because domestic abuse is often a cycle,
and growing up in an abusive home often leads to the abused becoming abusers, Candlish said.
No one knows what sets an abuser off on another episode, Candlish said.
When there is repetition and a pattern to abuse, it is time to call the hotline, Candlish said, even if just for advice and someone to listen. The free brochure on the subject states, “Accept no excuse for domestic abuse.”
Women who are victims of verbal, emot ional or physical abuse tell Candlish they would rather receive physical abuse than verbal or emotional abuse, she said. The abused sometimes reason that they can get over the physical harm but not the damage from the other forms of violence, she said.
She said she tells women who call, “There is help. Lots of people stand ready to help. Call. Call if all you want to do is talk.”
Donations of money to continue the support of Hope Cottage are always welcome and may be mailed to White County Domestic Violence Prevention, P.O. Box 1196, Searcy, AR 72145.
Hope Cottage is a 501(c) (3) organization, Candlish said, and donations are tax-deductible.