Girls just gotta get an award
Welcome to the fifth annual Olivia Awards, our chick-flick answer to the Academy Awards.
(It’s not the fifth; Olivia’s been doing this a lot longer, but she’s disguising her age with flattering social media filters. And it’s not the annual awards because she hasn’t remembered to do this since 2011.)
Whereas Oscar awards ugly statuettes for lame stuff like Best Sound Mixing and Best Documentary Feature, Olivia presents glam golden headdresses (like Beyonce wore at the Grammys) to winners of categories like Best Cheerleading Movie (only one entry this year, but Lifetime’s Cheerleader Murders spelled V-IC-T-O-R-Y!) and Best Actress in an “Oh-Look-the-Really-VibrantHealthy-Chick-Is-Dying” Film (like light-skinned Zoe Saldana and her dark makeup in the role of singer Nina Simone; Nina killed her career anyhow).
Without further ado, the celebrity fragrance-spritzed envelopes, please!
MOTHER OF ALL MOM SQUADS IN A MATERNAL MOVIE
The nominees are: Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, Kristen Bell and Christina Applegate in Bad Moms and Jennifer Aniston, Julia Roberts, Kate Hudson and Hilary Duff in Mother’s Day.
And the Olivia goes to: The sassy cast of silly Bad Moms. Admittedly we never got around to seeing the other one because — guilt trip alert —there was too much laundry and housework to do, mouths to feed and fur to lint-roll. Sigh, a cat mom’s job is never done.
BEST MELISSA MCCARTHY PERFORMANCE
The nominees are: Melissa McCarthy in Ghostbusters and Melissa McCarthy in The Boss.
And the Olivia goes to: Melissa McCarthy! Ghostbusters was a bit of a bust, but McCarthy is still boss.
BEST CRYFEST
The nominees are: Me Before You and The Choice.
And the Olivia goes to: A late entry! The footage of ABC News’ Martha Raddatz getting choked up on camera when Hil-
lary Clinton lost the presidential election.
BEST CHICK SEQUEL SOME 15 YEARS AFTER THE FIRST MOVIE, WHEN WE NO LONGER CARE
The nominees are: My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 and Bridget Jones’ Baby.
And the Olivia goes to:
We had no desire to pay to see married Toula and Ian bored with each other and a knocked-up Bridget in what equates to a British version of tabloid talk show Maury. Therefore the award goes to the free site Moviespoiler. com for telling us how both movies ended.
BEST MUSICAL FILM
The nominees are: Sing, La La Land and Beyonce’s Lemonade.
And the Olivia goes to:
Without a doubt, Beyonce. She was slighted at the Grammys. We don’t want Kanye West having any more meltdowns. And after seeing Beyonce smash car windows with a bat in her visual album, we’re terrified of her.
BEST ACTRESS IN THAT SPACE MOVIE YOUR MAN MADE YOU SEE
The nominees are: Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers and Felicity Jones in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.
And the Olivia goes to:
It’s a tie. So we’re going to give the award posthumously to Carrie Fisher for her brief CGI cameo in Rogue
One. Sure, Fisher was Princess Leia, but she’ll always be our queen.