MONEY MANNERS
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: While my brother “Eric” was always happy to accept financial help from our mother, he paid almost no attention to her. When she died last winter, he hadn’t visited her in 11 years, and, obviously, he never helped with her care. Mom was aware of his indifference, and in her will she left him only 20 percent of her estate, while leaving 40 percent to me and 40 percent to my sister. Now Eric has asked for an accounting of the estate’s finances (I’m the executor), and I’m furious. While the will says he’s entitled to an accounting, preparing one would be a lot of work for me. I understand, of course, that Eric is within his rights, legally. But isn’t it wrong for this guy who never lifted a finger for our mother to make this demand?
— Tim DEAR TIM: If it’s any consolation to you, your brother isn’t the first son in history to be far more interested in his mother’s money than in his mother.
Obviously, we sympathize with the way you feel, but the fact that your brother was a lousy son doesn’t make it wrong for him to ask for that accounting. Had your mother left him a specific amount of cash, that would be different. But since he’s entitled to a percentage of the estate, it is not unreasonable for him to ask to see where all the money went — his shabby treatment of your mother notwithstanding.
Expecting you to invite him to your home for Thanksgiving, however — that would be unreasonable. What Eric’s entitled to is an accounting, not a pass on his bad behavior. DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Three of us are going in on a wedding present for our close friend “Alexis.” Two of us have found something really nice for her, but one of us, “Courtney,” is against buying such an expensive gift. So the other two of us would like to pay for most of it, with Courtney contributing whatever she wants. We’ve proposed this to Courtney, but she insists on paying for a full third of a less-expensive wedding gift.
What’s the best way to handle this situation? It’s important to us to get Alexis a special present.
— J.S. DEAR J.S.: That special present will have to wait until the next time Alexis gets married.
Kidding aside, you need to give the bride and groom a gift that meets with Courtney’s approval. When the three of you decided to buy a wedding present together, you were, in effect, agreeing to choose one that cost no more than what the most budget-conscious of you would be willing to spend. That’s how it works with a shared expense, be it a gift or, say, a vacation together. No one should be leaned on to spend more than they want to.
And now you know: When Alexis has her first baby, find out how much Courtney is willing to spend on a gift before you guys join forces with her again. Please email your questions about money, ethics and relationships to Questions@MoneyManners.net