Tips to remind friends you care
It’s not hard for some relationships to fall through the cracks, especially when work gets hectic.
Whether you constantly travel, maintain the standard 9-to-5 or have a seemingly incompatible schedule with every other person, making time for an hourlong catchup phone call with your best friend, a late dinner or even weekend brunch plans can seem like impossible tasks.
Want to make sure your loved ones still know you care even when work-life balance seems impossible?
We asked two relationship experts for tips on how to remind someone you care.
Take note ahead of time: You don’t have to check in with friends often to know the important things going on in their lives, says therapist Michael McNulty of the Chicago Relationship Center. While mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, scan for something positive you can mention at a later date if you don’t have time for specifics right away. Instead of getting to a much overdue dinner and saying, “So tell me what’s been going on!” you can instead have something to ask about, he said.
“Expressing fondness and admiration, even when you see people less often, tells them that I am taking time to notice what’s going on in their lives and to appreciate them, who they are and what they have accomplished,” he explained. “Try to keep in mind what you’re hearing about people and making sure to compliment or congratulate them if you see them around town or bump into them in your travels.”
Be proactive in small ways: We’ve all let some texts sit in our inbox unanswered for too long, but McNulty and Shasta Nelson, author of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness, say a text to check in or even dropping a card in the mail is an easy way to communicate thoughtfulness and support — no special occasion necessary.
Rethink “needy” to alleviate negativity: Nelson and McNulty emphasize understanding someone’s emotional needs and doing so without becoming exhausted or “needy” ourselves. If a friend, family member or partner sends rapid texts or calls multiple times, the person could be looking for something from us that won’t take long unless we prolong it ourselves. This can create annoyance, avoidance or stress for both parties.
“The problem isn’t in having or expressing those needs, as much as it can be in how we go about getting those needs met,” Nelson says.
She suggests asking yourself two questions: What do I think this person is really needing or hungering for? Can I imagine a scenario in which her needs don’t feel overwhelming or exhausting to me?
Carving out even a small window of time can go a long way.
“As we get more clarity about what she’s asking for and how we could receive it with less negativity, we might be able to better strategize a scenario where both of us feel good,” Nelson says.
Keep the relationship reciprocal: “We need to take responsibility to make sure that we also feel seen in this friendship, which means offering up details, telling stories and thinking through things where she can help you,” Nelson says.
“When partners or friends can trust that they have each other’s backs, they become much more invested in one another,” McNulty says, adding, “in my personal experiences, when I have that kind of trust in our friend, I can reconnect with him, and it feels just like it did the last time we talked, even if it has been years.”
If both parties give the “gift” of trust, it creates a cycle of helpfulness.
Set healthy expectations: We can’t always say yes but should always be up to renegotiate, Nelson says.
The healthiest people and friendships are built around this, and she suggests you propose two options to show you care, while also maintaining your own ground: “I really do want to help support you through this. … Would it be helpful if we scheduled an hour every week to talk, so I could plan around it?” Or, “I have time to talk on the phone for 30 minutes right now. What would be the most meaningful/helpful way for us to make the best use of that time?”