MONEY MANNERS
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Is it ever acceptable to take back a gift? Please let me explain: I am a widow, now in my late 80s. My husband left money in two trusts for our family, with the income from both going to me during my lifetime. About a dozen years ago, I signed over the income from one of the trusts to my grandson “Frederick,” who has problems that make it difficult for him to fully support himself. Unfortunately, the income from the other trust is now insufficient to meet my needs. Even though they’re aware of my current financial situation, neither Frederick nor his mother (my daughter) has said a word. Since I’m concerned that
I will soon run out of money, would I be wrong to ask Frederick to sign the income from the second trust back to me?
— R.A. DEAR R.A.: Not at all. The “gift,” as you refer to it, is in fact an income stream that your husband intended for you. It was very generous of you to share it with your grandson for so long. But now that you are advanced in age and need it yourself, it is entirely appropriate to ask for it back. Start by speaking to your daughter. She’s the one who should be explaining to her son that, at this point in life, his elderly grandmother’s needs trump his, and that, just as he’s been the beneficiary of your generosity, it’s his turn to be generous to you.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: We have two adult children, a son and a daughter. In the past, we’ve given them $500 each for Christmas, while also giving $100 to each of their significant others. But our son recently married his longtime girlfriend, and we’re not sure what to do this Christmas. It seems cheesy to give him $500 and our new daughter-in-law only $100. But our daughter has a longtime boyfriend, and we’re worried it will hurt his feelings if we give him less than we give our daughterin-law. What do you recommend?
— Sammy DEAR SAMMY: Sealed Christmas cards.
Seriously, unless these folks are in the habit of passing their gift checks around for others to inspect, we think you can increase the amount of money you give to your son’s new wife without being too concerned about hurting your daughter’s boyfriend’s feelings. Your daughter-in-law will surely understand why she’s moved up a pay grade, and presumably she has the good sense not to brag about it to her sister-in-law’s boyfriend. And even if he should discover that her check is larger, he ought to have the good sense to understand why. Not that much good sense going around? Then consider giving your son and daughter-in-law a single check made out to both of them, say for $750.
A final thought: Those are nice gifts you’re giving your children and their companions. If your daughter’s boyfriend can’t figure out that he has nothing to complain about, that’s his problem, not yours. Please email your questions about money, ethics and relationships to Questions@MoneyManners.net