MONEY MANNERS
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: Please settle a disagreement between my sister “Amber” and me. We’ve been planning a cross-country road trip that includes a stop in the Denver area. Since our cousin “Brittany” lives there, we contacted her and suggested getting together. She promptly invited us to come to her home for dinner. She did not, however, invite us to stay with her. So when I accepted the dinner invitation, I told her that Amber and I were having difficulty finding an affordable hotel room (which wasn’t quite true), and asked if we could stay at her house. Brittany said “OK,” but Amber is horrified by what she calls my uncouth behavior. According to Amber, it is never acceptable to invite yourself to be someone else’s houseguest. But I say the rules are different for family, which Brittany is. Also, she and her partner have a big house, and they know we’re not rolling in dough. Who’s right, Amber or me?
— B.T.
DEAR B.T.: Well, we’re definitely never inviting you to dinner at our house!
Seriously, your sister is right. While the rules may be different for family — and while the rules most definitely vary from family to family — under no set of rules do guests get to decide what the extent of a relative’s hospitality should be. Even had it been true that you were having difficulty finding a hotel room, pressuring your cousin to let you stay with her would have been ill-mannered and, in a word, pushy.
One more thing: When you stay with your cousin Brittany, you need to take her a nice hostess gift, even though
she’s your relative. Those are the rules, B.T., no matter what your personal rule book says.
DEAR JEANNE &
LEONARD: My brother has two children, and I have three, my youngest arriving 12 years after the last of the other four was born. When the first four grandchildren came along, my parents contributed a total of $20,000 to each kid’s 529 college savings plan. But they never made a contribution to my youngest’s college account, though I know they meant to. Indeed, my father often said he was going to contribute. But he and Mom were old when my youngest was born; Mom died the next year, and Dad never did get around to making the contributions he said he would. He passed away recently, leaving everything he had to be evenly divided between my brother and me. My question is this: Considering that Dad always intended to contribute $20,000 toward my youngest’s college education, don’t you think my brother should be contributing $10,000 of the money he’s inheriting toward my child’s 529 plan, just as I plan to? He knows what Dad wanted. — Unhappy Sibling
DEAR UNHAPPY: Had your father died with an unsigned check to the 529 plan sitting on his desk, you’d have a point. But your father had at least a year or two following the birth of your youngest to make contributions, and he never did. While we don’t doubt that whenever he spoke to you, he genuinely meant to contribute, ultimately his inaction speaks louder than words. Indeed, the more frequently he told you he intended to contribute while in fact never doing so, the less weight his assurances carry.
Plus, and most importantly, your father had a will. If he did not include in it an instruction to fund your child’s 529 plan, your brother has no obligation to make a contribution. And you have no reason to be resentful if he doesn’t. Please email your questions about money, ethics and relationships to Questions@MoneyManners.net