Otus the Head Cat
Report of Phil’s demise is premature.
Dear Otus,
Once again this year, we were subjected to an inordinate amount of “news” coverage about the fake weather prognostication that goes on at Gobbler’s Knob, Pa., with that glorified rat, Punxsutawney Phil. It’s all a bunch of hooey. Don’t the media have anything better to do?
— Charles Wood,
Bryant
Dear Chuck,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to thank you for the opportunity to weigh in on a shocking story that was overshadowed by the coverage of the Philadelphia Eagles victory in the Super Bowl.
All the Pennsylvania papers — from The Philadelphia Inquirer to the Pittsburgh PostGazette — were so wrapped up in the Super Bowl that they ignored the monumental marmotian scandal that followed this year’s Groundhog Day.
Only the plucky Punxsutawney Spirit, a small town paper with a daily circulation of 5,670 that has been in business since 1873, had the temerity to print the truth.
The annual Groundhog Day event was televised live Feb. 2 on ABC’s Good Morning America and other outlets. The affair is a highly orchestrated ritual performed before thousands of onlookers on the little hill of Gobbler’s Knob just outside town.
This year, an estimated 16,000 stood under clear 11-degree skies at sunrise to witness the performance. It has been the same for the past 132 years.
Custom states that if Phil emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, he will scurry back to his den to signify winter will last another six weeks.
In fact, Phil hasn’t ever voluntarily “emerged” from his burrow. He may be only a woodchuck, but he’s not stupid. While the frenzied crowd chants, “Phil! Phil! Phil!,” a top-hatted member of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club (PGC) reaches in and drags out the poor little guy and thrusts him aloft for the screaming admiration of the shivering throng.
A terrified Phil is then ignominiously plopped down on a faux stump where the club’s “Inner Circle” leans in and the president (who can speak “groundhogese”when he’s holding a magic cane) pretends to listen to Phil’s prediction.
It was six more weeks of winter this year and, as the camera came in closely, you could see a visibly quivering and traumatized Phil staring blankly into the void.
In reality, it is all a sham — an elaborate hoax perpetuated by the Jefferson County Development Council because it brings in more than $27 million annually in tourism and marketing to the local economy.
That’s a lot of stress to put on an eight-pound rodent and, as reported by the Spirit, it finally broke him.
According to the PGC, Phil has been correct with his forecast “100 percent of the time.” However, according to the more reliable National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, Phil has only been correct 24 percent of the time since 1990. You’d be far better off flipping a coin.
The PGC also claims there has been only one Phil all these years and he is rejuvenated each fall by drinking the “elixir of life” at the annual Groundhog Picnic. Since the average lifespan of a groundhog is only six years, Phil would be getting quite long in the tooth.
Further scandal — Phil doesn’t even live in the den on Gobbler’s Knob. The rest of the year he stays in a cushy special enclosure at the town library where the public can view him daily.
This has been an especially brutal winter in the northeast and Phil’s prediction of six more weeks was accompanied by a fierce backlash on social media — even death threats.
Social media is replete with the reactions of the ignorant and stupid. Ignorance can be corrected with knowledge. Stupidity, on the other hand, is a permanent affliction that no amount of knowledge can fix.
A small caption and photo found only in the Tuesday online edition of the Spirit said Phil has evidently faked his own death in order to retire from the annual madness. Photos were taken of the “body” and a necropsy was allegedly performed. Cause of “death” was given as “elixir of life poisoning,” or more precisely, “denatonium benzoate quaternary ammonium cation overdose.”
Anonymous informants close to the source told the Spirit that a rescued Phil is now living quietly on a Quaker farm outside Carlisle, Pa.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that Babe the elephant at the Little Rock Zoo picked the “early spring” box over the “more winter” box on Feb. 2. Babe is far more reliable than any woodchuck.