Shady Sam’s solution
IT’S A rough time for civility in America, as you’ve seen from the papers. But not to worry. We’ve got a good friend who has a solution. His name is Shady Sam, and he’s going to fix this problem once and for all:
Shady Sam runs a prominent Arkansas resale shop you might have visited once or twice when it wasn’t closed for delinquent tax payments. His place is over there next to Bubba McCoy’s, a friend of a noted columnist in this section. And just about as real. In his spare time, Sam fancies himself something of an engineering enthusiast. He doesn’t have a fancy degree in it, but swears he’s just as smart as anyone who does.
Anyway, Sam watches a lot of news—a lot. And when he’s not watching the news, he’s listening to it on the radio. And when he’s not listening to it on the radio, he’s scrolling through Facebook to find it. Now Shady Sam finally grew right tired of all the whining and bickering in this country, what with Antifa, Nike commercials and everything in between.
So for the past few weeks, he’s been out back in his shop working on a solution. He told us he’s ready to introduce it to the world. He brought it over for our inspection yesterday.
At first glance, and this is just a prototype, it looks like some sort of dog collar. It’s got some electro thingies and gizmos that sit at various fixed points.
Sam demonstrated how it slides on and clicks securely with a lock. He calls it the Civility Collar 3000. It’s got a little green indicator light on the front, and as long as you’re talking pretty, it’ll stay green, and everyone stays happy. But when you start to say mean things, the light changes to red, and you get a nice little jolt that reminds you to behave.
He told us the parts only cost him about $40, and once he gets the process sorted, he can make several a week, with aggressive expansion plans.
Our pal intends to get ahold of either Sen. Tom Cotton or Sen. John Boozman and present his soon-to-be-patented invention to Congress, where he’s sure it’ll be a hit.
Shady Sam said he expects legislation to be written and passed real quick-like that mandates every American gets fitted with a Civility Collar™ at age 13, or maybe 12, so there’s a little wiggle room. His logic? If every American can be forced to purchase health insurance, then a collar should be no great leap.
Shady Sam told us he reckons our culture problem will be solved in a year or two. With all the money Shady Sam says he’s set to earn, he plans an early retirement where he can rest easy, having solved the biggest problem for a soon-tobe-grateful nation.
Our assessment? We’re about ready to try anything at this point. Even making up stories.