New Year goals from headlines

’Round this time last year I re-posted a tweet by Jonathan Scott, one of the famed Property Brothers: “Thank u 2018, next.”

But if you’re like me, this time you’re not hollering at the old year to get out of the way. You realize that the new year may very well bring things even more unsettling and bewildering … a scenario that seems to have played out for, oh, forever now.

But one of the constants in all this crazy change is making New Year’s Resolutions — so much so that I’m pondering avoiding social media for a while, not just to keep from getting jealous of all the folks posting their warm-weather-vacay pix but to avoid “New year, new me” references.

If you’re looking to resolve to do something in the New Year besides lose weight, stop smoking/vaping or handle your finances better, here’s a resolution guide based on lessons that should be learned from the conventional and “weird news” headlines.

For 2020, resolve:

■ To get along with somebody. Political polarization, racism directed at this or that group, celebrity feuds, road rage, non-road rage, “I hate people” T-shirt slogans … Just stop it. Nobody wins money, or medals, for hating on and dissing someone else, no matter what high-profile person may be serving as an example. Resolve not to go to the dark side of the force. Resolve to let The Purge stay a movie. Get some peace for yourself by loving thy neighbors.

■ Not to assume anyone is helpless, powerless or defenseless because of age, gender or disability. (Inspired by my latest she-ro: the female octogenarian weightlifter who recently took down a home invader. Also inspired by the Kung Fu nuns, the female Buddhist nuns in Nepal who’ve learned to kick butt and are teaching girls to do so, as a part of their quest to promote women’s value and rights.

■ To work a little reverse psychology on Mother Nature: keeping major holidays weather-issues-free by deciding not to travel.

■ To go there, do that, and wear the T-shirt … in other words, do whatever enlightening, self-educational, self-empowering, self-nurturing things you can do outside the box/ your comfort zone. Dang it, get off your duff and storm Area 51 this coming year! Wait …

■ But, to think before doing so. If you’re an eagle, you don’t want to try to snag a cephalopod for your lunch. Or, if you’re a dog, you don’t want to be so fixed on overtaking a feline that you follow it up a tree and end up stranded there.

■ And to definitely think before marrying a royal.

■ To have your Nerf-gun battles

during the day, in an open space … lest your antics be reported as a gunfight, as was the case with four men trying to best each other via the toys at 2 a.m. in Delta, British Columbia. (They supposedly lost track of the time and of how loud they were.)

■ On the ultra-serious tip: Not to engage in any limb-threatening fireworks wars when Independence Day rolls back around.

■ Um, not to hijack any lobster trucks. Let’s hope that 29-year-old genius in Boston, who recently tried to rip off a New England Lobsters box truck filled with $10,000 worth of the tasty things, learned his lesson. “Employees jumped into another box truck — and a short, but odd, chase involving two lobster trucks followed,” according to the CNN.com story, which begged for a comment-post feature. Boston police reported that Dude deliberately crashed the stolen truck into the chase truck. The employees got the best of the guy and held him for the cops. The company sales director’s quip about the whole thing? “No lobsters were harmed.” Mmmkay.

■ To, well, at least learn how to operate a plane before you try to rip one off … something that 17-year-old kid in Fresco, Calif., apparently failed to do.

■ To never assume it’s too late to make a comeback … even if you were politically incorrect back in the day. (And for saying so … “I want half, Eddie!”)

■ To respect those friends, co-workers, fellow church members, etc., who say they can’t take strong body-fragrance smells. The next cologne you bathe in might be taken for a “hazardous material,” as was the case on a Florida school bus, evacuated due to a suspicious scent. Said scent turned out to be … Axe Body Spray, a bottle of which was emptied as an apparent prank.

■ Not to make up any “Baby Yoda” songs, and to refuse to listen if somebody else does (“Baby yo-da do do do-dodo-do, baby yo-da do do dodo-do-do … ” OK, I’m scaring myself.)

■ To keep your mind open as to what counts as art. Look, it just may be your peach or pear taped to a wall that sells for a six-figure price.