Brothers need to have a conversation about their mother
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband is one of three brothers, raised by a single mom who is just genuinely one of the kindest, most caring people I know. She has also offered significant financial support to all her children over the years.
My husband’s younger brother, “Tom,” got married right out of college to “Sue,” whom my husband has never cared for. I know Sue does not like our mother-in-law because she has tried to rope me into badmouthing her.
During a recent visit, we were looking at photos on Facebook and my mother-inlaw realized she couldn’t see them — Sue had blocked her. She was obviously hurt. My husband sent a (very polite) note to his brother, treating it as a technological blip even though we both knew better. Tom basically said, “It’s not my account, talk to Sue if you have questions.” Between the sending of the email and the reply, Sue also blocked me and my husband.
Is there anything more we can do? We’re used to our sister-in-law’s unkindness, but it hurts to see my mother-in-law being shut out, especially when she has offered so much financial and emotional support to Tom and Sue over the years. The only thing I can think of is for my husband to have a cometo-Jesus talk with his brother about how Sue is treating their mom, but I doubt it would do anything — Tom seems to let his wife call the shots.
— L.
DEAR READER: Maybe that’s why Tom married Sue, even subconsciously — to do the emotional dirty work of keeping his mother away.
Hardly brave, but hardly rare, either.
This doesn’t mean you’re wrong about your mother-inlaw.
It also doesn’t necessarily mean Tom or Sue are wrong, although their methods sound terrible, and Sue could be serious trouble, which I’ll get to.
Here’s what we know for sure: The brothers have the same mom and grew up in the same household, but are three completely different people.
This allows countless possible, and some potentially valid, reasons your mother-inlaw is a welcome presence in your husband’s life but not in Tom’s: Their mother’s personality meshed better with your husband’s than with Tom’s, for example. Or, different life experiences shaped Tom’s perspective on his family into something different from your husband’s. Or, Tom met Sue at a time when Tom was receptive to Sue’s message of keeping family at arm’s length. In which case accepting money is crude, but, then again, maybe the money caused the chill.
These are just three examples, none of which (necessarily) justifies Sue’s actions. But they’re alternate frames of reference where you sound stuck in your own. To see your mother-in-law through your and your husband’s experience is useful but incomplete, because Tom sees her through his own. So don’t “come to Jesus,” come to Tom.
And if you do that in good faith — revisiting all three childhoods, minds open — and still think a big talk is warranted, then don’t make the mistake of thinking small on the topic. Don’t go in saying, “You’re being mean to Mom.”
Instead, aim big — that on matters of his own immediate family, Tom defers to his wife, who uses her power unkindly and may be doing the same to Tom himself: “This blocking thing just seems strange to me. Is everything OK?”
If he’s under a controlling person’s sway, then Tom likely needs kindness and connection from his family more than his mother needs it from him.
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m in my 60s. In my experience with showers, aunts, cousins or friends throw the party. Much to my amazement, the last showers I have been invited to are given by the mother or grandmother. Am I wrong that this is not where the mother or grandmother belongs? I hate to jump on the statement I’ve heard all too often lately: “Well, it’s the millennial generation and things are done differently.”
I’m giving a baby shower for my beloved niece this spring and loving every little detail. I am glad to take this responsibility away from my sister-inlaw. I want her to enjoy how wonderful it is to become a grandmother for the first time.
This is not an earth-shattering problem, just another move away from the “norm” of what I thought was the appropriate way of celebrating a new relationship or new life.
— Perplexed
DEAR READER: “Wrong,” debatable; “wasting my energy,” absolutely.
It’s not earth-shattering, you’re so right. And blaming millennials is overdone — though I’d be crediting them here, as I would for their pushback against so many long-under-questioned norms.
When the negative consequences are minor to nonexistent; when the benefits fall under the “affirmation of life” umbrella; when the old standards were set under notably different social conditions (does any of us really believe these [grand]mothers themselves are profiting from their [grand]daughters’ gifts?); and when well-meaning people can serve the ends of loving community just by buying onesies and eating cake; then I say embrace it with a heart wide open to joy.
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