Tell son your concerns, but let him make job decision
DEAR CAROLYN: I recently separated from my husband of 27 years because he fell out of love with me and in love with a co-worker.
Our son may lose his internship due to the pandemic, and may end up working at the summer camp where his father and his father’s mistress work.
My son is 21. He is not a child. It hurts me to my core to think of him spending any time with his father and this woman. Is it OK for me to tell him how much this hurts? Or should I suffer silently?
— To My Core
DEAR READER: A significant part of the awfulness of this situation is that your heartbreak — and the utter validity of your wish not to have your son in, literally, the other woman’s camp — isn’t even the top priority here.
Your son needs a job. If he can’t get work somewhere else, then he has to work at the camp. (Assuming it even opens.) With a young adult’s livelihood at stake, your feelings must square up and step aside.
You know this, it seems, but maybe it’ll feel better to see it in print.
I don’t think silent suffering is required, though. You can also talk to your son about it as we’re talking here. In fact, it might be a relief for him to hear you say it out loud, kindly: “Obviously it will be hard for me to have you work with your dad and [other woman]. But I know it isn’t the way you wanted things to play out, either. I’ll be OK. Do what you have to do.” The camp lasts a summer; grace like that can hold up for life.
DEAR CAROLYN: I met a guy on a dating app just as my state shut everything down. He seemed nice, and the fact that there was no chance of meeting in person anytime soon, plus social isolation, probably made me a bit less picky than usual, and we eventually traded phone numbers and started texting.
Fast-forward a few weeks, and he texts me multiple times a day: good morning texts, good night texts, longing texts about when we will finally meet, sometimes sexual texts although I’ve managed to dump cold water on that. He’s hinted about violating the shutdown orders and about being soul mates.
I respond to his texts briefly and usually not for a few hours after I receive them. Honestly, I don’t want to interact with him at all anymore — I probably would have gone on a date with him under normal circumstances, but now I feel pressured and creeped out.
I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, but he just says we’ll play it by ear. He doesn’t seem very good at playing it by ear, though.
I need to know what to say to end this. I’m weirded out and a little afraid. I have been harassed and sexually assaulted before by a man I rejected, so it’s made me afraid of rejecting anyone else who seems this intense. What do I do?
— Not Even During a Pandemic
DEAR READER: I’d run from “soul mates” from my soul mate. Yikes.
What you do is cut the connection. Be kind, clear and final: “I’m not interested in staying in touch anymore. Please respect that, and take care.”
With apologies to Yoda, when it comes to telling someone how you feel, there is no “try.” What matters is that you say it. If he doesn’t listen, understand, heed or want to hear it, that’s his problem. Back that up by not rewarding any attempts to keep you engaged in things you don’t want to engage in.
Especially given your terrible experience — I am so sorry that happened to you — you might find confidence-building clarity in The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. You don’t owe anyone romantic attention you don’t want to give, no matter how persistently someone asks for it. The book also provides practical guidance on assessing and responding to threats.
DEAR CAROLYN: While “quarancleaning,” I came across a thumb drive full of photos of me and an ex. It was a serious relationship, and I was heartbroken when it ended, but we were simply not suited to each other. These photos cover years of happy events.
I am now happily married but — what do I do with the thumb drive? Print the photos and put them in a book? I can’t imagine anyone else would be interested in them, and I wouldn’t hurt my husband for the world, but throwing them out seems like throwing out a good chunk of my past.
— Anonymous
DEAR READER: I agree, don’t toss them.
I don’t agree with your (implied) reasoning that anything has to be done, though. Isn’t a thumb drive storage, and isn’t storage where they belong? Maybe choose a new “attic” that won’t become obsolete, but otherwise, stash these with the rest of your past, and be transparent about that with your spouse.
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