Tips that the state left out
It’s “sum-mer, sum-mer, summer-time,” as the song says. The solstice isn’t until June 21, but ‘tis the season … officially kicked off by Memorial Day weekend. Of course, we had to work hard to make our own fun amid the quadruple-whammy of covid-19 event cancellations; venue reopening restrictions; near-customary, lessthan-ideal weather; and cautious homebody-ish significant others who needed far fewer excuses to hole up in the house. But it’s that golden time of year!
About those venue-reopening guidelines: The state Department of Health has been quite thorough and detailed as to what we can now revisit as consumers and entertainment seekers, and the precautions we need to take when visiting them. But as exacting as these guidelines have been, the powers-that-be haven’t covered every detail. They’ve left it to the Talkmistress to unturn a few stones for you.
Please clip this column and keep it refrigerator-magneted next to those state guidelines as an addendum so that you may enjoy your summer as best you can under these — dare I be the 1,683,796th one to use this word — unprecedented circumstances.
Them Guidelines the Department of Health Didn’t Mention
■ This summer, masks should not be the biggest things covering the body. Do not walk around with a big honking, enveloping mask, then opt for below-the-neck clothing that leaves other, ahem, sensitive areas of the body exposed. With your mask, you’re protecting others from getting sick if you happen to be sick yourself. Please don’t let your summer attire either stop traffic or necessitate the use of eye bleach, especially considering how difficult bleach is to find.
■ You may now wear white to your Zoom meetings. Your meeting-mates, of course, would appreciate your wearing something. See the rule about mask coverage versus clothing coverage.
■ When having your social-distance barbecues, remember that arguments over whose barbecuing skills are the best, or who jerry-rigs the best barbecue sauce, must be conducted at the designated safe distance.
■ Just because people are six or more feet away from each other in the pool does not mean that it’s OK to pee in it.
■ Graduates who were robbed of their proms and graduations may parade proudly around in their graduation caps, gowns and paidfor-but-unused prom gowns at any time of day and at any location for the duration of the summer, humming “Pomp and Circumstance” and lovingly clutching their diplomas. We’ll know you’re not crazy. ■ The salons are back open, so no more excuses: Along with mask checks and temperatures taken at
the doors of venues that could leave visitors vulnerable to the spreading of germs, haircuts and hairstyles will also be analyzed for suitability. Bad hair? No admittance.
■ We note that the pandemic has managed to do what your conservative church wasn’t able to do: Keep you from dancing, at least in a bar or nightclub. Chair-dancing to music, however, is OK. Simply imitate the folks at whom you used to snicker because they were always afraid to get up and look foolish out on the dance floor.
■ Churches would like to pass along the gentle reminder that just because collection plates have been eliminated does not mean that offerings have been. Get on that phone app or that website and pay your tithe/ offering, yo!
■ Please do not use the social-distance markings and guidelines on the floors of open venues as markers for
impromptu bean bag toss games or to show buddies how good a long jumper you were in college.
■ By the way, flies and mosquitoes must practice social distancing. They must stay at least six feet away (preferably more) from all humans, especially humans trying to enjoy an outdoor meal. We ain’t playin’.
On a serious tip, maybe all will be able to return to the best aspects of “old normal” soon. Note to crowd haters, people with hips who always had trouble maneuvering between concert-venue seat rows, and people who just like their space: Don’t get too comfortable.
Simple guideline here. Just email: hwilliams@adgnewsroom.com