New parents should ignore obstreperous grandparents

DEAR CAROLYN: Our son was born early, spending weeks in intensive care. His first name is my fatherin-law’s, middle name is my dad’s, and he has a combo last name — part of both families. I introduced the last name to them months before.

After our announcement, Dad went radio silent, Mom only texted for daily pictures and health updates and refused phone calls.

Weeks later, Mom finally explains that Dad — who still hasn’t spoken to us — felt humiliated over the name. She also said we should have known better and prepared them better (i.e., given them a chance to change our minds), and the baby name is another rejection of them. Mom makes clear she’s only interested in the baby, and Dad will get over it eventually.

I can let go of all this for the sake of not beating my head on a problem unresolvable except through time; we’re not going to change the name or apologize for it. But Mom now wants to come from five hours away to see the baby (still nothing from Dad). Wife is furious and does not want my mom here if she’s only interested in the baby. My mother-in-law died years back, so my wife is particularly vulnerable to further rejection, and also is very angry on my behalf.

Withholding access to our son seems like punishment that will explode any future possibilities, blame will fall on my wife, and covid-19 makes it impossible for Mom to stay somewhere other than our home when she visits.

Is an ultimatum reasonable, that we’re cutting ties if my parents refuse to apologize and to treat my wife as family just as much as our son is?

— What’s in a Name?

DEAR READER: I’m sorry you fared so poorly in the grandparent lottery for your son.

Especially since you have much bigger things to worry about than adult-tantrum management.

So that’s my advice to you now: Worry about all the more important things than your parents’ juvenile acting out.

Accordingly, your mother is not welcome to visit, because that would require extensive tantrum management. As a pandemic fringe benefit (talk about a unicorn!), you have no need to get into details yet beyond the obvious: No one is traveling to visit a medically fragile infant. Because, what on earth is she thinking.

You’re also no longer discussing your child’s name with your parents or discussing their feelings about the name because it is not and never was even a shred of their business — and because doing so at this point also falls under the heading of tantrum management. Move to other topics briskly and without apology any time your mother brings it up. Instead of responding to her complaints, or even acknowledging them, simply say: “So, is there anything else?” She either changes the subject or you say cheerfully, “OK then, talk to you later,” and end the call.

Texts and emails on the topic, you simply ignore.

And as long as your dad keeps making it easy for you to disengage from his self-absorbed sense of grievance, you keep accepting his gift of distance. When he’s ready to talk warmly and civilly to you about something else, he will know where to find you.

The one exception to the rule of utter disengagement from your parents’ tantrum is the subject of your wife. If you pick up even a whiff of an impression of a hint they might be blaming her for your choice to disengage, then you provide a calm and unflinching correction. “This is my decision. I’m the one saying no.”

Here’s the heartbreaking thing: People behave badly like this when they’re in pain. No doubt there is some behind your parents’ miserable reaction that is worth exploring, understanding, healing. Even a selfish and wrongheaded pain is worth bringing to light if only to show where you stand.

But the way people act on their pain matters, too. That is why — as you will likely learn soon with your son — you don’t give a toddler what he wants just because he’s throwing a fit, even a perfectly justified one. Instead, you calmly disengage from the fit while also keeping an eye out for the underlying pain he’s unable to articulate, and address that as warranted.

This is especially true with adults, with the tantrum so inappropriate and the pain deeper-seated. To engage with such a tantrum is to reward it, and to reward it is to make it clear to your parents they can control you by acting out.

As your son’s parents, you and your wife have jurisdiction over his name, his guest list and his emotional well-being. You don’t need an ultimatum to tell your parents that; all you need is to set basic respect for you and your family as the minimum requirement for inclusion in it — for them and for anyone else. They demonstrate it or no thanks — “but call when you’re ready” to do whatever your minimum is.