Should I reconnect with the cousin who married my ex?
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a cousin I’ve been close to my whole life. She lived abroad for a while, then moved to the area where my family lives and announced she’s dating my high school sweetheart. Two months later they were married. At the wedding, his friends had stories about them dating over a year.
I have no romantic feelings for my ex, but I felt betrayed and hurt that she didn’t confide in me as her relationship was developing.
For the first year of their marriage, she was reaching out a lot, but I stayed away. I knew from my family that she was going through a tough time acclimating to her new life, but I couldn’t bring myself to face her. Nothing felt authentic about our connection. We now don’t talk except at family gatherings.
Sometimes, I remember our good times and feel guilty that I wasn’t there for her. Do I apologize, try to explain myself, or just suggest hanging out as if I didn’t do a 180 on her?
— S. DEAR READER: I can see it from your perspective: Being the last to know something feels humiliating. Especially when, arguably, you should have been among the first to be told.
I can also see it, and have seen it countless times over the years, from your cousin’s perspective: When is the right time to tell someone you’re dating her ex? When you and the ex first notice each other? Start flirting? Meet for drinks?
Become a couple? Relationships are gradual; it’s not as easy as it looks to decide when there’s enough “there” to justify initiating this awkward courtesy of a conversation.
In hindsight, though, it’s almost always obvious when this conversation should have happened — typically a week or month or three in the past, as a person feels overcome by guilt for not having said anything sooner, knowing the other person will now feel betrayed for not being told. Add some conflict-avoidant tendencies to this, and the guilt can postpone the overdue conversation even more.
It’s just messy and weird no matter how people handle it.
Dating an ex, meanwhile — just to make it totally bizarre and human — is perfectly fine. We don’t own people, so your cousin did nothing wrong besides wait too long to tell you.
As transgressions go, this is not only pretty mild stuff, but also more common between people who care about each other enough to worry, to the point of a kind of paralysis, about causing pain.
I’m not saying this is OK since it’s cowardly — but it’s also relatable. Which is a common path to forgivable.
I’d argue it’s especially so since you chose the avoidance route yourself, throughout her time of need, instead of just saying to your cousin upfront, “I’m hurt you kept this from me.”
If you’re with me to this point, then here’s where we are: You two broke a lifelong bond over understandable hard feelings over the mutual mishandling of something that was, in fact, perfectly fine all along.
Speaking only for myself: I’d apologize to my lifelong friend for my part in making a mess of this. I’d say I’m happy for her, missing her and eager to revisit our friendship.
Please don’t lose someone just for not having tried. Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email tellme@washpost.com