The pageantry

Everything but the balloons

After a long, hot summer, the fall got its start Monday night. Oh, maybe not officially by the weatherman’s count, but for all of us true believers, the virtual party and coronation kicked off the fall campaign, and life in these United States can begin to return to normal.

This year, the grandeur wasn’t quite the same for the kick-off event, but the trash talking was still there in all its glory. They said the winner last time was going down this time, and not in a blaze of glory. We’ll see. Either way, we wouldn’t suggest placing any bets at this point.

Of all the American spectacles, this one might be the most American. This should be a non-event, and in most countries it probably is. But we’ve managed to turn it into theater. We’ve not only slapped lipstick on this pig, but put glitter in its hair.

And—how American is this?—sold ads for it and put it on television. And if the principals took a minute to breathe, the commentators filled the dead air with their “thoughts”: How would the virus affect turnout in Louisiana? Which way would Georgia go? Are folks in Texas really convinced that they’re in play? The same questions keep getting asked, and nobody will know the answers for sure until after November.

But some of us are hopeless. So Monday night we sat on the couch, dialed up the right TV station, and put a few cubes of ice in a cola. Because even if the pomp and ceremony and over-important display couldn’t be avoided, the pull of the fall campaign was too strong to resist.

Of course we’re talking about the SEC schedule release.

WEWERE halfway through Monday night’s release of the football schedule on ESPN when we remembered there’s a national convention going on. And it was a good feeling. We missed the first few minutes of a national convention and the world didn’t come to a crunching stop.

Ah, there used to be a time when political conventions were important to the national parties. These days, however, they’re mostly just infomercials. And expensive infomercials at that. If anything good can come from the current pandemic, at least politically, it might be that the two major parties will realize that they don’t need these conventions.

Even the cities that host these conventions don’t need these conventions. Studies have shown they aren’t money-makers. Not when you factor in all the security those cities must provide, and all the lost business downtown as companies shut their doors for a week to avoid the chaos.

As far as making news, there are whole staffs of people who would lose their jobs if real news came out of these presidential nomination conventions. Party leaders and their PR offices don’t want to make real news this late in the summer. That’s too iffy for modern campaigns.

Everything must be scripted, from the opening prayer to where each piece of confetti falls. These days, if the nominee and veep pick aren’t set in stone before the convention, the party bosses would consider it a disaster. It would be the sign of weakness and division. And they wouldn’t have a chance in November.

But even though there isn’t any real news allowed, the party faithful (and the media) act as if there is. And document everything for the viewing public. Including the requisite video about the candidate’s youth and early life. And the pols and former pols who must get their time before the camera. The advocates and politically connected bands and actors with the right viewpoints, and the spouses of the nominees. They all get a few minutes until a production assistant gives the cue to play music.

It’s all unnecessary. But both parties are addicted. We the People could cure them of the habit, if we just turned them off and tuned them out.

The same argument can be made about the State of the Union. And has been in these columns. There is nothing in the Constitution that says the SOTU must be given in a speech before Congress. Until TV came along, it was given in writing. And should be again.

For those who say nominating conventions are more than assemblies where like-minded folks can celebrate themselves and their ideas, that conventions provide the important service of healing the wounds of the primaries and uniting the party for the general election, we give you the 2016 conventions: Bernie Sanders’ own people jeered when he endorsed Hillary Clinton. And Ted Cruz wouldn’t endorse Donald Trump from the podium. Some healing.

These conventions should be relegated to the past, just as the smoke-filled rooms have been. This year’s all-virtual conventions should be the first of many, and limited to the cable news channels and Internet. Freeing up the other channels for more important stuff such as sitcom reruns and football schedule releases.

That is, unless one year we actually get a disputed, razor-thin primary election and the nominee is in doubt. Such a development would be real news. And interesting.

But until then, can you believe they gave Arkansas the top two teams in the SEC East? Who made this schedule?