Friend’s boyfriend squelches her true personality
DEAR CAROLYN: My lifelong friend is now living with her boyfriend of several years. He’s a charismatic, eloquent man, who acts polite and chivalrous. I’ve also seen snarky, sarcastic and glib.
Their relationship, in the beginning, had some rough spots, which she shared with me, and because of that, I’ve sometimes felt a little leery. Recently, I’ve noticed she stifles herself around him, as he’s been very vocal about elements of her demeanor which he’s made clear he finds “amusing” to the point of mocking her in front of others. She’s a very demonstrative person and talks with her hands, for example, but now, around him, she sits on them. And tries to hold her body very still if sharing a story. The times when she cannot contain herself, he literally places his hands on top of hers and holds them in place, smirking. I am heartbroken for her and don’t know what to do.
Should I call him out when I see it? Should I keep my mouth shut? Talk to her privately? She’s a beautiful soul who deserves to be loved and accepted for the perfect person she already is. — Biting My Tongue, for
Now DEAR READER: I find this so infuriating I’ve had to go walk it off twice. Reverse Pygmalion. Please, please do not keep your mouth shut. I understand why you have up to this point — it’s very disorienting, to see emotional abuse play out right in front of you — but now that you’ve had time to think it through, you have a responsibility not to contribute to the illusion that this is OK. That’s what remaining silent would do.
Clearly, these situations are also volatile, and saying exactly what’s on your mind exactly as you want to say it — “Get your smarmy mitts off my beautiful friend, as if you’re so freaking great,” for instance — could lead to their (his) deciding not to socialize with you anymore. A big chunk of the abusers’ playbook is finding ways to isolate their victims from the people who would weaken or disrupt their control. She needs you present, loving her for who she is.
I am sorry my advice is to walk this impossibly narrow line even knowing you probably can’t accomplish anything good unless and until she’s ready to face this problem — all the while risking something bad with action or inaction. It’s hard and scary and heartbreaking, and it’s why I’m also including the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE. The staff can guide you, too, not just your friend.
But you do have options: When he covers her hands or she’s sitting on them, say, “Wait, [Friend], I can’t hear you with your hands covered.” Ha-ha. Get it? Or something along those lines — warm and gentle to the ear and utterly pointed to someone who knows you as well as she does. If that’s too hard to pull off — scripted always sounds scripted — then playing dumb is a solid fallback. “You OK, [Friend]? Are you hurt? You’re holding yourself so stiffly.” The question matters more than any answer. Direct a soft light on ways she’s suppressing who she is.
Meanwhile, yes, talk to her directly. Gently, briefly, once — and about her behavior, not his. Then: “I am here, any time, 24/7, no judging, for anything.” Fingers crossed.
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