Mom’s feud with gay sister muddles family trip
DEAR CAROLYN: I have no idea what the right decision is here. We’re a family of three adult sisters. My sister “Leah” is estranged from our mother because Mom won’t accept that she’s gay. My other sister, “May,” wants to plan a family trip — post-covid, of course. We’ve traditionally done these trips every few years, and we meet in a central spot for a few days of fun.
Leah won’t vacation with Mom, which I understand and support. So do I go? I’d like to see Dad and May and the cousins, but, if I go, am I condoning Mom’s behavior? So I skip and hurt May? I’m just not sure what the right thing to do is.
— Just Not Sure DEAR READER: If you skip, then it’s your mother hurting May — and hurting your father and these cousins — by forcing you all to choose between your mother and Leah. Which really isn’t a choice, once you put it to even a moment’s scrutiny: You stand by your sister, not the person rejecting who she is.
And this is not about choosing to “condon[e] Mom’s behavior” or not — it’s a choice between supporting or not supporting Leah.
That’s instantly clarifying, isn’t it?
It works for any future decisions about family events, too. Ask yourself: “How do I best support Leah?” If it’s not obvious to you in any given moment, then you can put it to Leah herself. If she sees this as a responsibility she’s not comfortable bearing, a fair point, then call it by its true name, “How do I best serve my beliefs?”
You can stay close through individual visits. The only reunified family that isn’t a sellout is one that forms in solidarity behind Leah. Not that this is the reason to make the choices you do — but here’s hoping you inspire that result.
DEAR CAROLYN: I have been dating a gentleman for 1 ½ years. He’s a nice man, in my same profession, divorced and also a single parent.
Since the pandemic he has spent a lot more time with me, and every time I get on a call with a friend, he sulks, often seems upset, and storms off. He’s in his mid-40s so I find this behavior peculiar. He also often gets upset with me when I agree to outdoor, distanced gatherings with a friend who needs to talk; he admonishes me for days about not being cautious.
I am feeling a bit trapped and wanting to run. I have found myself changing who I am and walking on eggshells as a result of his behavior. I have suggested therapy and tried talking to him about it, but he deflects and turns it back on me. He is otherwise lovely, but this is extra stress during an already hard time. — M.
DEAR READER: Get out. Respect your impulse to run. It’s a healthy response to danger.
If he were putting you in a cage, then you’d have no doubt he was restricting your freedom. You say you’ve responded to his moody possessiveness by eggshell-walking, which restricts your freedom to be yourself. Just because it is psychological doesn’t mean it’s not a cage.
Pandemia teems with mental-health challenges, but don’t lump in possessiveness, control or blaming. They star on lists of predictors for abuse.