Mother backs her daughter into a vacation-plan corner
DEAR CAROLYN: If all goes well and we get vaccinated, my mom and her new boyfriend are planning to visit this summer for a few days, then take a trip on their own. She has already picked a holiday weekend (without consulting us) that we, selfishly, want to keep open for ourselves. My partner and mother do not get along well, so I would prefer to steer clear of dates when we could take a couples’ getaway when we are both off work.
I have already broached the topic with Mom, asking if they would be open to picking another day, like the following weekend — her work is very flexible — due to the holiday, and she has already taken offense that we would rather do something as a couple over the holiday than with her.
This has been a common occurrence throughout my life, where instead of communicating and making a compromise my mother makes plans without consulting me and then takes immediate offense if I am not willing to throw out other plans to follow hers. I am an only child, and she is very strongwilled. Our relationship has already become rocky since I have found my voice as an adult and started to stand up for myself, but I don’t know what more I can do to navigate these situations other than say, “That date might be tough, is there another weekend that would work?” without her getting her feelings hurt.
I do want a positive relationship with her, I just feel like she backs me into a corner and almost forces me to choose her — like it’s a test. Do you have any advice?
— Baby Girl Who Has Become an Adult With Her Own Voice and Life
DEAR READER: Oh my goodness. “What more I can do” is stop the “oh gosh that date might be tough!” mincing. Stop being terrified of your mother.
Which means not calling it “selfish” to plan your life your way vs. hers, because that’s just self, no ish.
Which means not crafting your responses to her with the goal of avoiding her upset, since that’s how she controls you, through offense.
Which means making decisions and presenting them to her exactly as you would to anyone else who wants to visit you. As an actual “adult with her own voice and life” would.
Do you recognize the fear in your signature? It sounds like the kind of thing we say aloud to buck ourselves up.
I realize that as (presumably) an older woman issuing forceful instructions, I risk triggering your flinch reflex. But I feel like a coach right now in a movie talking to a skilled player held back by confidence problems. You know what to do. So get out there and do it.
She: “We’re visiting you on Holiday Weekend.”
You: “Sorry, we’re busy then. How about the following weekend?” No good? Too bad.
The End [inspiring music, rolling credits].
Truly.
She can huff and puff, but it’s your voice and life. You have plans.
This is, again, exactly how we handle people who don’t scare us.
You know this. You just hesitate to trust it fully, I suspect, because you’ve been told something else for so long. A therapist can help you see that if Mom’s shadow gets in the way. Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email