Stop expecting time others don’t want to give
DEAR CAROLYN: My son married nine years ago. He and his wife bought a house one block from her parent’s home. They are a two-hour drive from us.
They have spent every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, etc., with her family, never ours. My husband’s family has a reunion every August. I’ve invited them every year, months in advance. My son said that was too far in advance to commit. They have never attended. My mother’s 90th birthday was quickly planned because I had been in the hospital. He told me they could not come because I did not give him enough notice. He did not visit me in the hospital, either.
We have tried to help whenever possible. We gave them money toward their first house. We paid for a family trip to Disney.
He will ask us to visit them, but my parents are in their 90s and my husband is disabled, which makes visiting a daunting task for me. They do come a day or so after Christmas to visit and pick up their gifts. My son will call me once a week, so we are at least communicating.
I have two young granddaughters and am afraid if I say something wrong we will be cut out of their lives. My son gets defensive if I ask why they won’t spend a holiday with us.
I am so hurt and depressed by how we are being treated. Am I being overly sensitive? What should I do?
— Anonymous DEAR READER: Answer to come — keep reading.
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a couple of friends who take forever to respond to text messages and emails. It’s almost as if they’re doing it to act “bigtime,” like they are too busy. This is not the case. They are retired. Both of them look at their phones constantly when I am around them, never letting them out of their sight.
Isn’t eight hours to respond a little long if it happens regularly?
I have various reasons to maintain these friendships, so I’m not sure how to minimize or eliminate my frustration with this. Any suggestions? — Patiently Waiting
Here in TX
DEAR READERS: These are completely different situations with very different stakes, generating hurt feelings of understandably different intensities — but for advice purposes, they are the same.
People can torment us, and sometimes do, yes. But it is a special kind of torment that we inflict on ourselves when we keep wanting from people what we clearly aren’t going to get.
To Patiently Waiting: You will get a response from these friends when they darn well feel like it and not a moment sooner. They don’t prioritize responding to you. Reset your expectations accordingly.
To Anonymous: You will, I am so sorry, not spend holidays with your son’s family unless you travel to him. For your own emotional health, please reset your expectations accordingly.
To proportionate degrees, I feel for you both. It is annoying/devastating when people you have built into your sense of well-being choose to deny you the simple satisfaction of completing that emotional transaction. It’s like subscribing to a weekly rejection.
And if there were a simple way to push you higher on others’ priority lists, then I’d gladly share it. But you’ve clearly been persistent in your bids for attention. Your targets remain unmoved.
Now, your best remaining option is to uncheck the “auto-renew” box on these painful subscriptions. Accept the recurring answer as final and stop pushing for better ones.
Productive steps toward this: 1. Adjust your plans to reflect reality. Expect delayed replies, holidays without your son, occasional daunting travel. 2. Invest in that reality. Given your materials at hand, what’s the most beautiful life you can build? Retraining our focus away from frustrating places is a skill every one of us could stand to acquire or hone.
So is learning to recognize that what we get from people, over time, represents pretty accurately what they’re willing to give.
So is enjoying what they give you, period. Stare down disappointment with gratitude.
I add the following with trepidation, because it can’t be why you adopt this attitude, and in fact that will sabotage you if it is:
Acceptance — be it of mildly annoying unanswered texts or of heartbreaking distance — can feel like the breaking point of a relationship. Often, though, it’s the beginning of a better one.
Why? Because it is just not human nature to rush to see people who only complain or make sad eyes at us for not responding enough or visiting enough or caring enough or giving enough. Quite the contrary; we tend to pull away harder.
So if you miss your son, then lay off wanting more of him. If you value these friends, then lay off wanting more of them. Invest fully in the present. Whether this creates new connections or improves your problematic old ones, it’s a win either way.