Back daughter in refusing granny’s unwanted hugs

DEAR CAROLYN: Our preteen daughter does not like physical affection, like hugs and kisses. She prefers to show affection in other ways. Her dad and I have pretty much come to grips with that fact (though we would love to have hugs and kisses again).

However, her grandmother, who has been in her life very regularly since she was born, either does not understand or does not care. She always begs for hugs and kisses and it really makes our daughter uncomfortable. We’ve tried explaining to my mother-in-law that our daughter isn’t comfortable with physical affection, but she continues to ask and has occasionally indicated that we need to force the affection.

It’s gotten to the point where our daughter doesn’t like to visit her grandmother anymore because of the issue. Should we let her skip these visits to make it clear to her grandmother that she’s putting too much pressure on her granddaughter?

— Anonymous DEAR READER: Yes. Respect her right to remove herself from situations where she is denied control over her body, especially after she has spoken up clearly on her own behalf. Good for her for being ready to attach consequences to this disrespect. That will serve her well, and it’s a self-governing impulse that warrants full parental support.

When (inevitably, right?) her grandmother protests her decision, speak plainly on her behalf: “She, and we, have made clear she is not comfortable being touched, and you have not respected that.”

To any howls of protest over drawing a line this hard (I will hear them, too, be assured), please respond: “Are you suggesting her body is more yours than hers?”

Because — as I shamelessly steal from a talking point about a different issue — we don’t force people to donate their organs, right? After people die, we bury them intact if that’s what they requested, even though they (presumably!) won’t even know either way. So that bedrock principle doesn’t just vanish because Gramma wants a hug. We do not get to do this, to co-opt others’ bodies to get our own needs met.

If it costs something so precious as the bond between a grandmother and grandchild, then responsibility for that loss falls squarely on the one who would do the co-opting, not on you or your girl.

DEAR CAROLYN: I have to use the subway to commute to work. Every day it seems more and more people are riding the train without a mask on, despite the law that states it’s required on public transport.

I do what I can to avoid sitting near these people — I try to sit in the first car of the train in hopes it’s less populated, and I move seats when possible if someone maskless sits near me.

I’m vaccinated, but the delta variant surge is a scary thing. I’m also seven months pregnant. If I could drive to work, I would. But public transport is my only option. Besides playing musical chairs and rolling my eyes, is it my place to say something to the maskless? If so, what do I say?

Clearly the subway employees aren’t enforcing their own masks rules. I find it all very frustrating. No one likes wearing masks. But it’s such a simple thing to do for the common good and it’s obnoxious that people don’t wear their masks on public transport — of all places!

— Masked Rider DEAR READER: While the foundation of this column is personal responsibility, sometimes the responsibility we bear is to hold others accountable for doing their jobs for us. Unsafe public transportation is not something you can fix alone, stranger-by-unmasked-stranger as you speed along with them in a sealed canister underground.

I wish I could wave a cursor to change people’s ignorant or thoughtless or reckless or selfish behavior, but you’re the one who needs to use your power.

Complain to the administrator in charge of public transportation, and also to your local board of health. And, your energy permitting: to your city’s executive; to your neighborhood’s elected representative; to everyone, from the top to the bottom of the city government org. chart. Ask them to answer the question you asked me. Be the source — again, energy permitting — of unrelenting civil pressure to get these mandates enforced. Use social media, if you’re thick-skinned enough, to rally others to apply pressure as well.

And of course talk to those subway employees directly. Apparently they need a pregnant woman in their faces every time they slip off their masks, and every time they give others their tacit permission to flout the rules by doing nothing about it. I’m sorry this burden’s devolving to you. And to them, truly, since no doubt they’re exhausted, like every public-facing employee right now. But too much recklessness has left us with no other choice.

Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email