Wife wishes she had a more active life with her husband
DEAR CAROLYN: What to do when we have different energy levels in a marriage? I realize now I have been reducing my own physical activity for years because I didn’t want to be resentful of my husband, who prefers to watch TV on the couch. Our young kids just started a solo sport and I have started doing that same sport while they are at practice. It has been invigorating and fun to be active again, and increased my confidence.
I feel like I am in a mini midlife crisis of discovering my own power and questioning whether I have been squandering it to stay at the lower ambition level of my husband.
How can I reconcile wanting more for myself while my husband doesn’t? We talk about it and he tries incremental changes, but nothing sticks because it’s not something he wants for himself. And I tell him that I feel bad that I want him to be something he is not.
I end up doing a lot of things alone, which is fine. But I sometimes imagine sharing an active life with someone and it gives me pangs of “what if.” I especially imagine a woman who would fully embrace my husband exactly the way he is, which would also help his confidence. How can I be that woman?
— Different Level DEAR READER: You can create this new place for your emerging self without regret, and then come home to the man you love and respect him as he is.
And you can love and respect him as-is; “lower ambition” is as valid as your activity.
We’re usually telling it from a different angle, but it’s the same story: Marriage (modern-day) is so often asked to be all things to a person, and it just can’t be. Neither the institution nor the individuals can bear that weight.
Why does the “someone” you share this activity with have to be a mate? Why can’t it be a platonic group of someones — people who have found their way to your “solo sport,” on their own arcs?
Why can’t your growth be a gift to your marriage, of fulfillment and mutual acceptance? Can you cultivate other shared interests, other intimacy, halfway?
This actually ties into your self-questioning on “squandering” power. I could argue you just used it differently to reflect your priorities at the time — or you saw value matching his pace, or weren’t getting enough sleep for it to matter so much. Maybe your husband’s slower pace suited life with babies and toddlers. And maybe now your children demand or allow a more energetic one.
And yes, I’m framing your choices around your children and not you, a form of erasure that might explain why you have “squandering” on the brain. However, I also think we generally do our best for ourselves in any given moment, even when it involves sacrifice. You weighed your options and made your choices and that’s true even if it was a choice to flop on the couch and watch someone else solo-sport on TV.
Making a different choice now does not invalidate your choice then. It validates life and selves as fluid.
Good, long marriages go with that flow and adapt. If you both want yours to, then you still have reasons and means to let it.
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