Educated, engaged, happy — everyone’s a critic
Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared June 29, 2007.
DEAR CAROLYN: I recently graduated summa cum laude with a bachelor’s degree. This summer I turn 22, this fall I’m starting an accelerated dual master’s degree program, and I’m marrying the love of my life. We’ve been together four years. He is 26, a college graduate and makes a nice living as an engineer. In fact, he already bought us a house.
The response I hear when people see my ring is: “You’re waaay too young to think about that”; “I wish I never …”; “Statistics show people who marry young divorce in a couple of years.” I ask people what age they think I should get married, and I mention our degrees and that we already have a nice house. They scoff. I’ve even tried saying he makes me incredibly happy and isn’t that enough? Their response: “You’re too young to know what makes you happy.” I hear this at least once a day from someone.
My aunts and cousins also know we decided to abstain until marriage, and they bring that up constantly as well. “Now you’re going to have horrible sex your whole life”; “The wedding night is going to be terrible.” When I broke down crying after being attacked by six aunts at once, my best friend said, “If it upsets you so much, maybe you’re not ready.” But I am ready, and why can’t people mind their own business?
— 21-Year-Old Virgin DEAR READER: Because they’re having way too much fun minding yours.
You mount a fine defense of your ability to think for yourself. But you make a better case for not defending yourself at all.
Any decisions to leave the mainstream, especially while young, attract attention — both well-meaning and voyeuristic. That’s Immovable Object 1.
Immovable Object 2 is that once people notice you, they start measuring your decisions against what they know. It’s natural.
To some, it’s also unnatural to keep their mouths shut. So they start sharing any wisdom they’ve acquired on the subject, and it doesn’t matter whether you want it, because it’s their own need they’re satisfying: to display how wise they are.
And while this can feel oppressive, it should also feel familiar. It’s the rare person who thrives without any outside approval. It’s much more common for people to seek it, need it, feed off it.
You, for example, are quite accustomed to it, a beyond-high achiever who, you take care to note, will neither a fornicator nor renter be. And yet you’re attracting this unfamiliar thing — negative attention. And it burns.
While your critics may be rightly concerned, they are all — from strangers to attack aunties — clearly wrong to get in your face. You didn’t ask their permission; you’re old enough not to need it; and no one knows — not you nor they nor the statisticians — whether your marriage will thrive or fail.
However, their meddling is a gift. The young may struggle with marriage, but perfectionists struggle more; please use this experience to examine, challenge and break your need to impress.
Start by not trying to prove you’re right. Instead, thank people for their concern and move on. It’s a hard lesson, realizing your own faith in yourself is all you have on your side. It’s also not an exception — it’s the rule.
Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email