Grandpa rejects mixed-race stepgranddaughter

DEAR CAROLYN: My son is getting married to a wonderful young lady of a mixed-race background. She has a teenage daughter.

I mentioned that I was excited to welcome another grandchild to the family. My husband said this teenager was not a grandchild to him. He said this because she looks more Black than her mother.

I was shocked. I said she is now family. He said I am not to argue over this, and left the house. What am I to do?

— Grandma DEAR READER: Divorce him. This isn’t just saying bad things, it’s being a bad person.

If he has some quality that makes a case for him as a good person, then, try me — but I can’t think of any that would make views that evil welcome in my inner circle any longer than necessary to get the separation agreement drawn up.

Now: It’s unclear whether he’s your husband’s son or stepson. If he stepped up lovingly to accept the two of you and your clearly different world views, then grant him a day to remember this better version of himself and retract his remark in horror.

But even then, on some level, you will always know he felt justified in dismissing a human being as unworthy of love for having darker skin. And wows just don’t cut deeper than that.

Ultimately and obviously you have to decide for yourself what your principles are and how much material and emotional discomfort they’re worth. I won’t ask you to bring hardship upon your life to serve my principles.

Do know, however, that your needing him on some level doesn’t redeem him of poor character; that’s something only he can do for himself. I hope for everyone’s sake he pulls off that miracle soon.

DEAR CAROLYN: Over the course of the pandemic, our daughter has gained significant weight. She has always struggled and yes, I wish she could maintain a healthier BMI. That’s not what this is about.

I love her in any shape and at any weight and she’s perfectly capable of determining for herself what that should be.

My quandary is, how can I offer to get her an entire new wardrobe without being misinterpreted as saying, “You’re fat”? She and her husband don’t have a lot of disposable income and her old clothes don’t fit, at all.

Honestly, I’m fat too, and we both know exactly where we are with our bodies. I’m not entirely sure she also realizes the clothes she’s wearing are not flattering. So there’s that. I truly believe she would feel better about herself in comfortable and flattering clothes. Any advice?

— Anonymous DEAR READER: If you can afford to finance her entire new wardrobe, then you can also give her a nostrings-attached cash gift of the amount you intended to spend on clothing, so she has that elusive disposable income.

She can then buy new clothes if she wants them, versus you wanting them for her. Or she can tend to other priorities wearing her tight old clothes, which — even if she doesn’t look better for it — will still make her life appreciably better, which is presumably all you’re hoping to do.