Ex had sexual relationship with 16-year-old sister
DEAR CAROLYN: I am in my 70s and recently learned my sister and my ex-husband had a sexual relationship 50 years ago. My ex and I were separated at the time and my sister was 16. While I was separated, my entire family strongly pressured me to go back to him because he was “such a good guy.” I had married very young and realized he was not right for me, but under pressure I did go back. It lasted only eight months. I am now happily married to my current husband of 46 years.
Besides the fact the ex was/is guilty of statutory rape, she is guilty of a profound betrayal. In all the years since then I have supported her financially and emotionally and am still sending her money to help make ends meet. She has had a tragic life and I’ve felt sorry for her hardships and tried to be there for her.
However, knowing she had this relationship with my ex, failed to warn me about his horrible behavior and allowed me to return to him, well, it’s made me very angry. It’s become harder and harder to support someone who lied to me all these years. I cannot believe I thought she was my best friend my whole adult life.
She is physically and emotionally impaired now, so would probably crash if we “had it out.” At the same time, I would just as soon sever all ties with her. I’m that hurt and angry.
— Sister Betrayed
DEAR READER: Please, please connect these dots: Your ex is guilty of statutory rape, therefore your sister was raped. She is a rape victim. She cannot be both a rape victim and “guilty of a profound betrayal.”
Not knowing the circumstances surrounding her health issues, I can only speculate that her rape was either the catalyst or a compounding factor in her struggles as an adult. But please also include this possibility in your reasoning that both her rape and her having to carry this heavy secret her whole life have profoundly compromised her mental health.
None of this means you are not a victim yourself. It’s just that you’re not your sister’s victim. Your ex harmed you — both of you, terribly. As did, to a far lesser degree and unwittingly, your family, with their inappropriate involvement in your marital business. Think about it: Your sister no doubt heard them insist repeatedly what a “good guy” he was, and she had to live with that cognitive dissonance — and whatever seeds of self-loathing it planted — for the next 50 years.
I’m connecting other dots here, and guessing she never got appropriate care for her emotional injuries. I can’t speak to 50 years ago, but 40 years ago I was a teenager, and can vouch for how little support there was. Nothing compared to now. For bearers of secrets? Zip.
One support she has had is you. Maybe the only. Lifelong.
Ideally your sister would have refused your ex and tipped you off, yes. But it’s a rare 16-year-old with that presence of mind, especially one 1971-equipped and already shaped by family dysfunction.
My advice: Apply all past realities toward present forgiveness. And if you can’t, then talk to someone, please — 2021, for all its faults, is better equipped for this.