Thankful in the midst of insanity

’Tis the Sunday before Thanksgiving, which means it’s time for the Talkmistress’ somewhat-annual Things I’m Thankful For column. This year’s list has been helped along by a few news headlines.

In addition to the regulars (God, life, hubby, family, career, “three hots (well, fewer, thanks to intermittent fasting) and a cot,” thinning-hair camouflage powder, etc.), I’m thankful:

■ That — bad as storms can be around here — they will probably never usher in scorpions … as was recently the case in Egypt when a “rare” storm and its accompanying flash floods “washed swarms of scorpions into people’s homes,” according to cnn.com. These Egyptian fat-tailed scorpions stung more than 500 people. Uh — no. Just no.

■ Not to be a wizard in New Zealand. Might get canned, as did Ian Brackenbury Channell, formerly known as The Wizard of New Zealand. His 23-year job, which ended earlier this year, was to “provide acts of wizardry and other wizard-like-services as part of promotional work for the city of Christchurch.” The times are changing, and — man, even wizards won’t give us women any slack. Channell also was reportedly let go due to “offensive remarks about women,” according to NPR.com.

■ For having been prayed into existence by a mom who wanted a daughter, rather than being mistakenly thought of as “lockdown weight” — as was the case with a U.K. woman who had no idea she was carrying a baby until four hours before said baby made her arrival in August. That “lockdown weight” started hurting Lavinia Stanton, 23, as she guzzled martinis with her mom and a couple of pals, according to the New York Post. The pain? Labor. (The good news: the little princess was born healthy.)

■ That, speaking of babies, they can show up “early to the party” and live … way early. As the wife of a “preemie,” I loved the story of little Master Curtis Zy-Keith Means. The Alabama-born Curtis, who weighed just 14.8 ounces when born in July 2020, has been certified by Guinness World Records as the world’s most premature baby. Nearly 19 weeks premature, he beat negative-1% odds of survival. (His twin did, in fact, pass away.)

■ For not being forced to deal with a broken toilet … in space. In early November we learned that the astronauts leaving the International Space Station to come home would have to make do with diapers on the trip because of the toilet in their capsule being on the blink. “NASA astronaut Megan McArthur described the situation Friday as ‘suboptimal,’ but manageable,” according to an Associated Press story. Suboptimal?

Honey, to a middle-aged woman, that’s dang-near “snakes on a plane”-type bad news there. Or should I say, “scorpions in a storm”-type bad news?

■ Judges with a sense of humor. Like Cobb County, Ga., Superior Court Chief Judge Robert Leonard, who posted a mock order on Twitter the other week banning Elf on the Shelf figurines as a “gift to tired parents,” according to the AP. These elves are said to move around each night, doing reconnaissance on kids and reporting their behavior to Santa Claus. Leonard’s Tweet: “Tired of living in Elf on the Shelf tyranny? Not looking forward to the Elf forgetting to move and causing your kids emotional distress? I am a public servant and will take the heat for you.” Now, if only somebody would ban those Hallmark holiday movies, for real!

■ A toothbrush that isn’t connected to the internet, and lack of interest in buying one that is. In a Nov. 12 MSNBC piece, Ja’han Jones writes that “at least 46 billion devices around the world are expected to be connected to the internet.” This info comes from data compliments of Juniper Research, a tech consultancy firm. The problem? The increased threat of cyberattacks. “Without proper security protections, everything you’ve connected to the internet is vulnerable to webbased attacks. And I do mean everything” — including internet-connected toothbrushes, warns National Security Agency official Nicole Newmeyer. Lord, let the “smart” trend not extend to our underwear.

■ To have had a mother who taught me to have enough sense not to take my frustration out on restaurant workers and flight attendants. Anyone who throws hot soup at the former and punches the latter ought to not only have to pay restitution, but work their victim’s job for a designated period of time … while the salary goes to the victim.

■ To be too doggone busy to envy the Maryland guy who won a $2 million lottery twice in just a few years. But allow me to grumble again about all those online trip/vacation contests I have entered … sweepstakes in which my only wins were about 2 million junk email newsletters.

■ That there are still bits and pieces of good news out there. Period. Happy Thanksgiving, all.