Do you let a 13-year-old dye her hair platinum blond?
DEAR CAROLYN: My 13-year-old wants to get her hair (well, half of her hair) dyed platinum blond. The damage this would do to her hair, plus the upkeep, makes me hesitate to give her permission. Plus it all seems so, “Look at me!” But she’s researched it and saved her money to have a colorist do the job, so props to her for that.
Do I just let her do it? She’s also talked about getting her ears double- or triple-pierced and I wonder where to draw the line.
— Wondering DEAR READER: It’s her money. It’s her hair. It’s … hair.
You’re the parent, you can still say no. But the lines you must draw for the next 5 to 8 years are only going to get more complex and consequential, so now’s a good time to think about what your priority is — the power to say no because you can, want to, feel pressured to by ghosts of child rearing past? Or the wisdom to save that power for when the stakes leave you no other choice?
A desire that is heavy on body autonomy, self-expression and agency — she saved her own money! — and light on worst-case consequences (bad hair), right at the crossroads of her young adulthood, is not where you want to launch a power struggle.
Piercings are invasive, so: “If you still want one in three months/a year from today/on your xteenth birthday, then, OK.” Still, changing one’s mind just means taking out jewelry.
While she’s in the colorist’s chair for hours, you can also ruminate on the lines you think you will draw, over what, where, up until what age, and, most importantly, why. Reality will upend half of these certainties before you even get there, but it’s good to have some idea what isn’t worth fighting for before you have the fight.
DEAR CAROLYN: My spouse and I welcomed our first child this year. We received many wonderful gifts when the baby arrived, and we have the means to buy anything an infant needs. We live in a smaller house and are already feeling cluttered.
As the holidays are approaching, well-meaning family members are asking us for the baby’s “wish list.” Our child is too young to care about gifts. If we say no presents, please, we’ll end up receiving things we don’t need or have space for. Asking for a contribution to baby’s new savings account feels uncomfortable. What’s a new parent in a small house to do?! — Cluttered DEAR READER: Suggest they give their favorite book for your child’s age. You can say that to everyone who asks, every occasion, every year, and still not have an unwanted-stuff problem.
And: You can add, when it feels appropriate, that you’re so grateful they asked you first because you have a small house and very limited places to put things and, wow, though, meaningful books would be wonderful.
And: You can donate quadruplicates, make other children better for it, and not hurt anyone’s feelings.
And: You can ask people to include a card that explains why they chose this book, and you can save the cards in a scrapbook that also doesn’t add to your clutter because it lives on a shelf with the books, maintaining a connection across generations that will long outlast any actual gifts. Chat online with Carolyn at 11 a.m. each Friday at washingtonpost.com. Write to Tell Me About It in care of The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20071; or email tellme@washpost.com