She heaps social-media love for parents, not for in-laws

DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I live on the opposite coast from our son’s family, but we make a considerable effort to see them and be part of the grandchildren’s lives. They live in the same town as the other grandparents.

Our daughter-in-law posts regularly on social media and often raves about how great her parents are as both parents and grandparents. (And they are great.) Daughterin-law has never once mentioned us on social media, even when we have flown cross-country to help out on short notice.

Recently, we took our son’s family on an expensive week-long vacation to a location our daughter-in-law had chosen. Although she did thank us for the vacation to our faces, she nonetheless posted the entire week with photos of her and her family — with the occasional photo where we were in the far background — without ever mentioning us.

In some ways, I feel like, who cares about social media? But it does bother me. Do I have any options besides just ignoring it?

— Bothered DEAR READER: I should keep a running tally of how many times the best answer follows the phrase, “any options besides … ?”

I’ll grant, though, how hard it is to stop seeing or caring about a hurtful behavior once it has grabbed your attention.

So I’ll offer an alternative to ignoring: self-deception!

Just a bit, like a little white lie to oneself. Plus there’s always the possibility it’s true.

I’ll explain. You have written a mental narrative, no doubt subconsciously, to explain your daughter-in-law’s behavior: She super-loves her wonderful parents and she doesn’t like you, not even enough to post one lousy photo. That’s more or less what you’re thinking, right?

So, to help you feel better, you can consciously write another mental narrative that isn’t so insulting. These are made up for illustration purposes only, ergo, not to be taken as things I believe:

■ She thinks it would hurt her parents’ feelings if she posted about you.

■ Or, she and your son disagree about social media and privacy and they’ve agreed she can post only about her side of the family.

■ Or, her friends have vicious in-laws and she’s trying not to rub in her spectacular luck.

I repeat, I’m just making [stuff] up. But you, with access to so many more details, can conjure something more credible. Because it’s rare there’s only one way to interpret what you see.

Credibility matters because, even though it involves making up stories, the point of the exercise is actually not to deceive ourselves. It’s to remind our brains to stand down and stop thinking they know everything for sure about someone else’s life. They don’t. You don’t. You don’t know the why behind the social media snubs. Even if you’re right, it’s still guessing-thinking-believing you’re right unless she tells you herself that you are.

So, it can be calming — freeing, even — to train your mind to greet an unknown with an openness to many possible explanations, instead of just the most tempting or bias-reinforcing one.

That’s helpful for when you need to take action, because it keeps you from making potentially costly assumptions — but it’s also useful in your position, where there isn’t much you can change. An open mind allows you to keep up your considerable, fruitful efforts to stay engaged with this family, while releasing the sense of defeat.

Plus? It’s social freaking media. Ignore, ignore, ignore.