Thank-you note 101

Congratulations, graduating seniors! After years of effort and anticipation, you are officially moving to the next stage of life, via a piece of paper as flimsy as it is significant: the thank-you note.

That diploma is nice, too. You might even want to get it framed. It shows you were a competent student who completed the requirements set forth by your institution. But writing a real thank-you note shows you can express gratitude, which is one of the requirements of being a competent adult.

“Thank you for the nice [present]” barely earns a passing grade—and only because current standards have fallen so low. It’s like grade inflation, but for manners.

So what’s a real thank-you note, and how do you write one? I’m glad you asked.

There are three simple rules:

(1) A real thank-you note is from a real person. It should not sound robotic or formulaic. It should be a little weird, a little particular, a little you.

(2) A real thank-you note is to a real person. Presumably you have some sort of relationship with the individual who was thoughtful enough to give you a gift in honor of your graduation.

(3) A real thank-you note expresses gratitude. But expressing true gratitude involves more than saying “thank you.” It involves articulating what you’re thankful for and why, which means you have to figure that out.

This is not always easy. Perhaps you find disappointing the dollar amount of the check you have received. Perhaps the article of clothing you have unwrapped matches another, unworn article of clothing from a matching aunt.

Well, my young friend, this is your moment. This is when you muster your inner grown-up and stare hard enough at the fancy pen in its fancy case to see the effort another human being has made on your behalf. It’s true you’re basically a texter and you’ll never write a check in your life, but the pen is pleasingly heavy, and its quiet elegance reminds you a little of your grandmother and the gold bracelet she always wears. Some of your friends don’t even have grandmothers, or they have an ungenerous variety, and yours has always been sweet to you whatever issues she might have had with your mom.

You get the general idea. The particulars, I’m sorry to say, are up to you. One tip: Don’t start with “Thank you for the ———————.” It’s not wrong, but it will plop you right into the plodding rhythm of the rote note. Start with “Guess what I just opened!” Start with “You always come through for me.” Start with “I know just what I’m going to do with your hard-earned cash.”

A gift says, “I care for you,” and a thank-you note says, “I am grateful for that care.” It’s not just an expression of gratitude; it’s a practice of gratitude, a way for you to stop and acknowledge your good fortune.