Lack of love for Father on his day

“Americans may be failing Father’s Day in a variety of ways,” according to a recent survey.

And all the fathers said, “Yeah! Whassup with that?”

Yep … Americans have been shown up in a survey of 1,000 of them. Manly Man Co. (manlymanco.com), “America’s provider of intriguing, never-boring gifts for men, ” reveals the relegation of dads to the back burner.

For starters, only a third, or 33.6%, regard Father’s Day as “one of the most important holidays.” (Father’s Day was beat out by, well, Mother’s Day at 41.2%.) Asked how often they are late with a Father’s Day gift, nearly a third of Americans (30.2%) admitted to such tardiness “sometimes” (12.7%), “always” (11.9%) or “frequently” (5.6%.) Asked if they have ever forgotten altogether to get their dad a Father’s Day gift, a combined total of 26% of Americans said “yes” — or “maybe” (which is basically a “yes, but I’m ashamed to admit it” response).

The men (62.7%) beat out the women (37.3%) in being frequently late with tokens of love and appreciation for Dad. And it was the men (60.3%) who seemed more confused about when Father’s Day is, asking “When is Father’s Day again?” vs. 39.7% of women. So that probably includes a lot of Dads who can’t even be depended on to remember to get gifts for themselves!

The most comedic responses came from the question: How close to Father’s Day do you buy a gift? Seven and a half percent asked “When is Father’s Day?” while 5.7% answered, “One day before” and 2.9% responded, “On the way to Father’s Day dinner.” And who/what did respondents blame for late Father’s Day gifts? Why anyone but themselves, of course. “Covid topped the list at 10.7%, followed by US Mail/couriers 9.3%, undefined ‘global shortages’ (7.9%), kids (5.9%), porch pirates (5.7%) and ‘vendors who they bought a present from’ (5.3%),” according to the Manly Man Co. survey results. What? No “stolen election” or “Congress” excuses?

When it comes to dad respondents being asked about the worst Father’s Day gift they ever got, 22.3% said “nothing”; 10.3% said a “traditional tie”; 4.9% said “socks.”

My favorite responses were to the question: What is the oddest bad gift you’ve gotten? Among the answers:

■ Macaroni art. So thaaaat’s what you can do with those Vacation Bible School projects!

■ A “bad letter.” I envision a typo-ridden protestation of love, possibly made with letters cut out of

some publication and pasted to paper, ransom-note style.

■ A pet rock. Not much imagination there, but did Dad consider how much more time-consuming and expensive it is to care for a fleshand-blood pet, between veterinarian visits, pet grooming expenses and pet food that’s gotten so fancy, it can be found in the refrigerated cases in the stores?

■ A fish plaque. So did the fish at least sing? The dad might have been able to donate it to Little Rock restaurant Flying Fish, which is awash with those.

■ A plunger. That’s bad, even for a bad-gift list. Unless, perhaps, the gift-giver was trying to spare Dad not only the expense of calling a plumber, but from inadvertently gazing at “plumber’s crack” whenever the plumber bends over to work.

■ Pokemon cards. Well look, I see “high stakes” Pokemon matches listed all over Google! There could be money in it for Dad!

■ “And most strange of all,” says Manly Man Co., “a taxidermied alligator head.” Ah well. Had it been Mother’s Day, the gift-giver could have attached straps to it, put a clasp on the snout, and presented it to Mom as a purse.

Still looking for an online gift for which you can at least show Dad proof that you ordered it today? I decided to check out those “intriguing, never-boring gifts for men,” which are heavily meat oriented:

■ Er, a Beef Jerky Flower Bouquet or a Bacon Bouquet. Sure, you can give Mom flowers that eventually die … but you can give Dad flowers he can eat to live!

■ A Man Card bottle opener. Dad will have card-carrying proof of his manhood and be able to open his beers with said proof!

■ The Whisker Dam aka the Mustache Beer Foam Guard. If he drinks his beer from the mug, this special protector will keep him from a fermented, foamy baptismal of his facial hair. (All the years I wore ’locs, or dreadlocks, I waited in vain for such a protector to keep these out of my various drinks.)

■ Back to the meat thing: The company takes the boringness out of giving Dad a tie. Give him little tie-shaped pieces of beef jerky, instead — the Father’s Day Beef Jerky Ties. And hey, there’s a “world-first Carnivorous Coupon Book,” itself made of beef jerky. There you are!

With the survey results in mind, I feel compelled to offer serious advice to those of us with dads in our lives: Remember to honor them (as you should do with your moms) every day, not just this day. Another bit of serious advice, directed to the Manly Man Co. gift recipients: Enjoy. But you might need to guard these treasures well from Mom, who just might be a beef jerky fan herself … and whose own menopause-fueled facial hair might need protecting from beer foam.