Husband calls her return to teaching a ‘hobby’
DEAR CAROLYN: After I had my son, I left teaching to be home with him. He’s now 6 and I’m getting the itch to go back.
The problem is that it would be a seismic shift in our lives. My husband works long hours and isn’t home for dinner during the week. He didn’t travel for work during the pandemic but that is picking up again.
I love staying home with our son. Now that’s he’s returned to school, my days are kind of quiet, which I enjoy, but sometimes it gets lonely. If I went back to work, he would have to spend time in aftercare and he is a real homebody. My husband supports my return to teaching but also reminded me that it would essentially be a hobby. My ego is feeling pretty hurt right now.
— Feeling Lost at Home DEAR READER: Teach, a hobby? What a stunningly contemptuous thing to say. Wow. I’m sorry.
If that was somehow his way of saying that you would be working only to pay for your son’s care, then I’ll put my head back on and try to work with that. Because I do see the issue in that.
Except, no, I don’t: Work isn’t just about money, and a career like teaching is one of the ultimate examples of that. It’s a paycheck for work but also for being part of a community, shaping the future, satisfying our ache for purpose and experiencing the joy of seeing the world through a child’s eyes.
It’s also specialized, exhausting, sometimes demoralizing work — and, may all the deities help us, even lethal — so people do get paid for it. Yeah.
But if you want to do this for you, then, great — getting paid for it makes it at least revenue-neutral for your family. Which is not the same thing as a freaking hobby.
This would be true of any work that fulfills you, no higher purpose necessary.
And if you’re uncomfortable with the aftercare, or if your son is, then consider home care after school, like a nanny share, or a job that allows you to finish when he does (more/most of the time), or choosing a program that he loves, or or or. There are choices. There are variations. There are possibilities to explore in follow-up conversations with your husband. There are no reasons to let the word “hobby” stand.
DEAR CAROLYN: A friend who has a history of making passive aggressive remarks with a nasty undertone recently told me gleefully how she had seen two overweight women walking in their bathing suits at the beach several years ago, and thought how she would never expose herself like that. “Oh, and guess what, it was you and Susie!”
When I said she was fat-shaming, she protested that it was a compliment.
She had, the year before, patted the belly of a (male) friend in front of six people and said, “When are you expecting to deliver?” I called her on this later to point out that she embarrassed the man, who had said something to me. She pooh-poohed it and said he thought it was funny.
Am I being too sensitive? I was offended by her remarks. She is always fasting to stay thin.
— Feeling Fat-Shamed
and Gaslighted DEAR READER: You feel fat-shamed and gaslighted because she’s fat-shaming and gaslighting you.
And she’s putting her own acutely dysfunctional relationship with food on full display for all to see — so you also have the option of feeling pity for her. Up to you.
But whoever messed up her body image did a masterful, intimacy-killing job of it.
You have options regardless. You can decide someone who says these things has no place in your circle of friends — because there’s nothing “passive” about her social aggression and no “under” to her nasty tone and because we owe no one our discretionary time who isn’t good to us and others. Not another minute.
You can also decide you like or love or feel beholden to her for a lot of other reasons that are unrelated to her body issues — and you’re ready to accept this weirdly specific hostility as more an expression of her self-loathing than anything else. In that case, have responses handy to deflect and redirect. “Nope, I won’t do this with you. Next topic.”
You can also square up and draw your line: “You’re my friend but the way you talk about weight is cruel. I am walking away now.” As you, obviously, walk away.
Or you can try the 180: “When you lash out, what I hear is someone really struggling with food and weight and body image. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”
Since she can boomerang that back on you hard, be assured that Option 1 is ready whenever you are.