Dementia changes a father’s perception of his actions
DEAR CAROLYN: After years of therapy, I found a safe way to have a relationship with a father who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to his wife and children.
When I first reconnected with him, his favorite trick was to ask leading questions to manipulate me into a place where he could spring an attack against me and my siblings, most of whom want nothing to do with him. I learned to set and enforce clear boundaries, and that worked for a while.
But lately dementia set in, and he has rewritten history to make himself the victim. The stories he tells are so outlandish, I’d laugh if they didn’t put me in full fight-or-flight mode.
When my mother had Alzheimer’s, I learned not to challenge her delusions. But while I realize what I’m dealing with now is a lonely and guilt-ridden old man, I cannot listen to the lies he so desperately needs to tell himself. Nor can I turn my back on a man who has so few other people in his life. It’s only going to get worse. — Anonymous
ANONYMOUS: It is okay to see your dad as just as delusional as your mother was — meaning, not a “guilt-ridden old man” who lies to himself to get by, but a person whose dementia has loosened his grip on reality. His victim narrative is deeply offensive and disorienting to you, understandably, but that doesn’t make it any more real or less a dementia symptom than your mom’s was.
It is also okay to decide that even if his delusions have a medical and therefore not morally relevant explanation, you’re still not willing to go along with them — or even engage with them at all.
That’s the upshot, really. Any duty you feel to be part of your father’s life lies strictly within you. He squandered long ago any claim he had to your loving attention. Society gets no say in how you handle that now that he’s ailing in the bed he made.
If you choose not to “turn my back” on a man who drove almost everyone else out of his life, then you have every right to make that choice. I do recommend, however, that you make it with at least occasional therapy appointments and/or dementia-care support groups on your schedule, even if it’s just to ground yourself through such an unsettling time.
DEAR CAROLYN: One of these days, I’m going to have to meet my ex-wife’s new husband. Our marriage ended in a total blindside when she announced she was sleeping with this guy. Obviously, I’m not happy with either of them, and I’d love some advice on how to greet the new husband. I certainly don’t want to say, “Nice to meet you,” and I’m trying to be more mature than saying, “Oh, so you’re the guy who broke up two families.” Any suggestions? — Ex
EX: “Hello” or “How do you do?” is blandly sufficient.
Your ex-wife broke up two families, too, and presumably you have kept things civil with her for the kids’ or for old times’ sakes — so I urge you to keep that truth in mind for this meeting instead of the emotional truth of wanting to make the guy pay for it all.
I also urge you to get the first meeting accomplished before you all have to be together around the kids or other family or mutual friends. Get it over with in as low-stakes a way as you can.
They’re each other’s problem now. Tuck that into the back of your mind, and good luck.