He’s been ‘abandoned’ by his parents over addict brother
DEAR CAROLYN: My brother is six years older than I and always in some kind of trouble. He was an alcoholic by 14, heroin addict by 16. I was abandoned by my parents when they started coping with my brother’s issues. Basically, I raised myself after the age of 10. Feeling like I could only depend on myself from such a young age was such a lonely place. I couldn’t even explain to people how upsetting it was to have parents, but not have them at the same time.
In June, they missed my high school graduation — even though I was being recognized for my achievements — because my brother almost OD’d again. The whole summer was just dealing with the aftermath of that. For my college move-in, my dad couldn’t get off work and my mom was checking my brother into his latest stint of rehab. I was upset and said it was okay, I’ve gotten used to being the invisible, forgotten child. My parents were hurt and defensive, explaining all the help my brother needed over the years.
I was there for the arrests, disappearances, near-ODs and all. I know my brother is sick and needs help — but I shouldn’t have been completely forgotten over the years. Am I being too hard on them?
— Tired of Being the Invisible Child
DEAR READER: How could you not feel neglected? What a nightmare, I’m sorry.
By my rough count, your parents have spent the last decade consumed by a struggle to keep their older child alive. I will not sit here in my sheltered little office and judge their handling of such an absolute, grinding catastrophe.
Any parent who has managed a child’s life-or-death crisis for months or weeks or even days can probably attest to hitting an emotional wall, where it doesn’t feel possible to be this terrified and this responsible for this long without relief. To be in active crisis for years isn’t just traumatic, it’s prolonged exposure to trauma. You all have been harmed. Not by your brother, not by your parents, but by addiction.
In just the one exchange you describe with your parents, I see where they missed an easy chance to do better by you. There was only one answer to your long-in-coming outburst at being invisible and forgotten: “You are right. We haven’t been here for you anywhere near as much as you deserve, and we’re sorry.” They owed you that validation.
But even what constitutes “easy” or a “chance” or “owed” or “do better by you” is impossible to evaluate — fairly — as a separate entity from the family affliction. Whoever your parents were before addiction struck, I think it’s safe to say they aren’t those people anymore.
Being attentive parents to you was and still is absolutely their responsibility. Absolutely. The question is whether people hollowed out by unrelenting crisis conditions can be reasonably, compassionately held responsible. I have zero doubt they would have preferred to be there for you.
Your college-move-in story says you’ve escaped — on the power of your academic performance, no less. Good for you. My advice to you now is to set aside the question of whether you need to be kinder to your parents, at least temporarily, in favor of being compassionate to yourself.
Assuming you didn’t jump on it immediately, schedule an intake conversation with your school’s counseling service — soon, soon, before it books up. Adjusting to college academics and life away from home at the same time is challenging without a side of trauma exhaustion. Please line up support so you aren’t coping alone anymore.
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