Mom of unlaunched kid feels judged by empty-nester friend
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a lovely friend who is thoughtful and kind, refrains from gossip, and is a lot of fun. We became friends 18 years ago when our sons became best buds as little tykes. They grew apart, but our friendship endured.
Her son has grown into a lovely young man with a good job and apartment, while mine has failed to launch. Mine still lives at home while working a dead-end job. He is, in many ways, neurodiver-gent. My kid is a great person, highly intelligent, just different.
My problem is that this friend has dropped a couple of verbal bombs, telling me how her two sons feel like losers if they’re between apartments landing at her house for short bits, and how living with Mom temporarily makes them feel like losers. Another time, when I mentioned how I sought a consultation with a therapist on how to help guide my son in life (socially and career-wise), she offered that living at home at age 25 wasn’t a good thing.
Do I tell her this is hurtful or just let it slide? I value her and her friendship.
— Wondering DEAR READER: How long will that value hold up if she keeps saying hurtful and ignorant things?
Having friends is loaded with inherent value. You get companionship, laughs, places to go, chances to help, a listening ear when you need it.
But friends can make each other better people, too, if they share their feelings and worldviews in enough depth. It’s similar to a benefit of reading: We have firsthand experience with only the one brain we’re given, and all the emotions and views that come with it — but caring how someone else feels and thinks can make us sympathetic to very different perspectives. It expands our awareness and empathy.
Your friend, bless her heart, seems to suggest that a catapult out of the nest and into a desk job and shared urban apartment walking distance from Central Perk is the sole desirable outcome for a recently minted adult.
Your experience and your feelings are her chance to open her mind and be, frankly, less of a jerk. And they’re your chance to have a better, more thoughtful friend who understands “You do you” is more than cutesy sloganeering.
Two well-adjusted 25-yearolds can have vastly different needs, goals, cultures, paces, attitudes toward money, responsibilities, tolerances for multigenerational living, and definitions of and ranges of normal. It’s not just about neurodivergence, not even close, though that certainly can extend a launch schedule. Plus, wherever we are in life is a snapshot.
So please, even if it throws sand on a smooth relationship, stop her at the hurtful words. “When you use ‘losers’ for kids still at home, that really hurts. Is that what you think of my kid?” Have the tough conversation about your different vantage points. Say out loud what your own experience has taught you, that what “wasn’t a good thing” for her two sons can be reasonable, helpful, practical, necessary — and so many other versions of “good” — for other people.
It may not be that she’s clueless or careless, and instead is using these mini-jabs as the exploratory edge of a bigger opinion she has about you: namely, that you’re somehow not serving your son well right now. If so, all the more reason to get the actual talking started. Occasional phases where you privately judge each other while publicly getting along may be inevitable during a multi-decade friendship — we’re only human — but this is too big for that. Stick up for yourself, your kid and the glory of open minds.
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